Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a

tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with

piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you

looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very

young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a

parrot... I thought you might be my son."

[XRSICKT]

Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5"x 5" is a good size.

2. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

3. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

* synergy

* strategic fit

* core competencies

* best practice

* bottom line

* revisit

* take that off-line

* 24/7

* out of the loop

* benchmark

* value-added

* proactive

* win-win

* think outside the box

* fast track

* result-driven

* empower (or empowerment)

* knowledge base

* at the end of the day

* touch base

* mindset

* client focus(ed)

* paradigm

* game plan

* leverage

4. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSH T!

Testimonials from satisfied "BullSh t Bingo" players:

* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."- Jack W.

* "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."- David D.

* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us

waited for the fifth box." - Ben G.

* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSH T!' for the

third time in two hours."- Kathleen L

[ducatijb]

HOPEFULLY WE WILL NEVER GET LIKE THIS! .

1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a

restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something

funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did

you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled

it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm

glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my

hearing aid is."

2. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old

lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I

stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I

have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to

me every morning and then gets up and makes me

pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground

coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and

my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for

half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you

crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet

meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then

makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why

in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I

can't remember where I live!"

3. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many

decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of

activities and adventures. Lately, their activities

had been limited to meeting a few times a week to

play cards. One day they were playing cards when one

looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at

me.....I know we've been friends for a long

time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've

thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please

tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her.

For at least three minutes she just stared and

glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you

need to know?

4. THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never

liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones

I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Falchoon]

Little Golden Books that Never Made It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Running with Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Kittens Can Fly

12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

19. You Were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

[XRSICKT]

I think I know where my

hearing aid is."

[ducatijb]

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship

sinks, and there were only 3 survivors;

Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island

and they lived there for a couple of years

doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time,

Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she

had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian

and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed

to get through it and, after a while nature once

more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and

Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about

what they were doing

So................

.....They buried her.

[XRSICKT]

Little Golden Books that Never Made It

Dam, I feel I 've missed out on sooo much. :D

[ducatijb]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his

mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he

kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the cops, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry

cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in

my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get

any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any

milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat

halfway

across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says.........

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[MattB]

This one goes quite well with the theme of this thread.

This bloke is driving out in the country and stops the night in a hotel. Once he's unloaded, he goes down to the bar and settles in nicely with a friendly brew.

After a little while, someone yells out "Joke 64!" and all of the people in the pub laugh themselves silly.

After a little longer, someone else yells out "Joke 41!" and again everyone's in stitches.

The bloke's a bit puzzled by this and asks the publician, "Hey mate, what's the story with yelling out joke numbers?"

The publican replies, "Well you see, nothing much happens here so everyone spends time here telling jokes to pass the time. But after a while, we'd heard them all. But we enjoy a good laugh, so for convenience we just numbered them."

The bloke reckons he has to have a go at this so yells out, "Joke 79!"

There's not a laugh in the pub.

"Joke 79!!!!"

Again, stunned silence.

The bloke asks the publician, "What's the deal? No one's laughing!"

The publician replies, "You must be telling it wrong."

[Falchoon]

BOB’S STORY

Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed,

Bob.

Bob's funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.

Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th.