Joke Of The Day

[grandad]

Quote Redhawk

HOW TO SPOT A W@NKER

Don't know if this one has done the rounds yet but found it quite funny.

And......No there is not the slightest resemblence to moi.

Do you think his day time job is a council worker?

[Cro]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party

alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said

she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[Falchoon]

George Ws favourite book

[rjn]

"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

Yuk, that is just wrong........

Don't want to think about it........

[Macktheknife]

Then there was the bloke who had a bowl of custard in one hand and a bowl of jelly in the other.

He was a trifle confused.

[Falchoon]

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been

kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it

looking for money and guns but he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed,ties him up on a chair.

While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of

her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner He probably spent lots of time in

prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't

resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him

satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will

kill us.

Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife

responds, "He was not kissing my neck.

He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was *beep* and

found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the

bathroom. "

Be strong, honey. I love you too

[XRSICKT]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports

for her first day promptly at 8am. The next day at 8.45am there is a

knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly

line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He

complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,

putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides

that he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the

factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there

are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red

plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as

she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and

begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel

Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he

pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says

to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you

misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test

tickles"

[aniken]

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh.

The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh.

The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh.

The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh.

The brother who bleached his clothes white - Hue Gogh.

The dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh.

The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh.

His magician Uncle - Wherediddy Gogh.

His Mexican cousin - Ami Gogh.

The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh.

The nephew who drove a stagecoach - Wellsfar Gogh.

The constipated uncle - Can't Gogh.

The ballroom dancing aunt - Tane Gogh.

The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh.

His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh.

The fruit loving cousin - Mane Gogh.

An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh.

The little nephew - Poe Gogh.

His sister who loved disco - Go Gogh.

And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winniebay Gogh

[aniken]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and began. They typed furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Everybody knows Jesus saves."

[aniken]

Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."