Joke Of The Day

[Cro]

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon hovering about 30 feet above a field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but is of no use to me."

The man below says, "you must work in sales."

"I do", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well, you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were in before we met, but now, it's my fault."

[hambo_12]

New York Police Department - To Serve and Protect

Ahh very good

[Falchoon]

A little bit of trivia

General Motors (USA) have renamed its Buick LaCrosse in Canada because

'LaCrosse' is slang for 'masturbation' in Quebec. They had a similar

experience back in 1970 when GM exported their Chevrolet Nova to Mexico and

other Spanish speaking countries because 'nova' means 'don't go'. However,

in that instance GM didn't rename the car and it sold well.

[Dagabond]

Subject: Pharmacology

In Pharmacology all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud,Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.

[Cro]

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

Get me a f---ing cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded:

You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who

you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back:

"And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Thank f--- for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

[Cro]

Heaven's New Policy

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Macktheknife]

Expensive Daewoo condoms.

Hey......what a great soft-on :o

[HellionXR6T]

Expensive Daewoo condoms.

Hey......what a great soft-on :o

Wouldn't you have to stop mid way and replace the lube?

LOL. KY anyone? :o

[Cro]

What Makes 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100% ?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but b***sh*t will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

[Cro]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the

difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought

for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with

Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a

million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert

Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!

I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just

love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom

Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you

know how much a million could buy? "

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His

father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between Potentially

and Realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million

dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts and a poof."