Joke Of The Day

[Falchoon]

It is difficult to outsmart a Government Employee.

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an

Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a

Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T- square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen

and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed

that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat

and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff, " Spreadsheet went out

into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them

into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and

said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge,

took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard

and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone

agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said "What

can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said,

"Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,

sh*t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back

while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

[Blown BA]

Halloween Costume

A very vain and bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note which reads:

"Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your posterior and go as a caramel apple." Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co

[turbotom]

It is difficult to outsmart a Government Employee.

........

Hey 'hoon.

This is supposed to be a joke thread, NOT Current Affairs!

[Blown BA]

The rules for bedroom golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club & two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to measure the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled. Particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[Blown BA]

Moose Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull in, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him!" After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?!" The guy in the front says, "Well....I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself!"

[KEN 24T]

Why do Women have two hands?

[KEN 24T]

Why do Men have two hands? :lol:

[turbotom]

Nice baby photo of you Kenny...

coochy coo :lol:

[Blown BA]

Chunks is my dog

A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like crap. Rough night, eh?"

He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"

His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."

But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!

[Blown BA]

We've got an Engineer

An Engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks in his records and declares, "Ah, you are an Engineer. You seem to be in the wrong place."

So the Engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the Engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell. Thanks to him, they have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up the Devil on the phone and says, "Hey, how are things are going down there?"

The Devil replies, "Things are great. We've got an Engineer and who knows what he'll think of next."

God replies "What! You've got an engineer! That's a mistake! Send him up here now!"

Satan says "No way!"

God replies, "If you don't I'll sue!" Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right! And where are you gonna get a lawyer?"