Joke Of The Day

[Dagabond]

911 Calls

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."

Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."

Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"

Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."

Caller (on realising the police are on the way): "Get the keg outta here, dude!"

Caller: "He's not breathing!"

Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?"

Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"

Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"

Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."

Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."

Caller: "He's a lawyer."

Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:

Call-taker: "What is your address?"

Caller: "It's gone."

Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off......this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

[Dagabond]

Bartlett is on a picnic and has to take a dump, so he heads out into the bushes.

He's just dropped his pants when a girl pokes her head out of a bush and says, "Hi there, pal. Can I take advantage of you?"

Bartlett says, "Sure."

She leans over, grabs his shirttail, and wipes her ass with it.

[Dagabond]

The private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but hestill keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bas*ard.

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and f*ck himself and he did.

Day 16

The bas*ard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[MISSXR]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm and says, "I'd like to buy a

horth" to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?' asks the owner. "A female horth", the dwarf

replies, so the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?". So the owner picks

up the dwarf to let him see her eyes.

Nithe eyth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?". Again, the owner

picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's

teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I thee her eerth?", the dwarf asks.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again he picks up the dwarf

to show him the horse's ears.

"Nith eerth," he says, "now can I thee her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a second before pulling him out and setting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says,

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that . . . . can I see her wun awound?"

:lol:

[Blown BA]

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to

him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said,

"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show

you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the

ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an

almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she

managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

[Blown BA]

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up

behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,

"Lie to me!

Lie to me!"

[Blown BA]

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY breas*s! GRAB MY breas*s!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY breas*s! GRAB MY breas*s!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY breas*s GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

Her money was instantly refunded.

[Dagabond]

A ninety-year-old guy is walking by a lake when he hears, "Hi, there."

He looks down, and it's a bullfrog.

He picks it up, and the frog says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

The old guy unzips his bag, puts in the frog, and starts to zip it back up.

The frog says, "What are you doing?"

The old guy says, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

[Blown BA]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn

from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him

back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since

it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium,

$14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but

the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any

decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man

answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[Blown BA]

Mission to Mars

(Space Shuttle with two trained monkeys and a blonde astronaut)

The Mission Control Room in the US calls the Space Shuttle.

"Monkey 1, Monkey 1, report to communications for instructions."

The trained monkey sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors.

So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments’ later headquarters calls again: "Monkey 2, Monkey 2,

report to communications for instructions."

Monkey 2 sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

Monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Female Astronautl please report to communications for instructions."

The blonde sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says-

"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing."