Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

[Blown BA]

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

[Blown BA]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

===============================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

===============================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:

"I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

===============================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...

I've got the Little Fokker in sight."

===============================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

===============================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the

Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return

to the airport."

===============================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority

landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit

peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two,

behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

===============================================

Taxiing down the Tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was

the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained

the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

===============================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

===============================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

===============================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold

short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,

rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with

a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like

yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

===============================================

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from

them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to

the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I

didn't land."

===============================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the

US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right

onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I

know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,

but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she

was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!

It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't

move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions

in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,

when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to

chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of

mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running

high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his

microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Dagabond]

Funny Phonecalls

> >Samsung Electronics:

> >Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

> >Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking

> >about."

> >Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that

> >I need to unplug the machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack

> >before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

> >Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."

> >

> >

> >RAC Motoring Services:

> >Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am

> >travelling in Australia?"

> >Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

> >

> >

> >

> >Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):

> >"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the

> >steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

> >

> >

> >Directory Enquiries:

> >Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."

> >Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

> >Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'

> >fell off."

> >

> >Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

> >Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

> >Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland"

> >

> >

> >

> >Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please."

> >Operator: "Where are you calling from?"

> >Caller: "The living room."

> >

> >

> >

> >On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone

> >box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up

> >the window to write the number on".

> >

> >

> >Computer Capers:

> >Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

> >Customer: "O.K."

> >Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

> >Customer: "No."

> >Tech Support: "OK. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

> >Customer: "No."

> >Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this

> >point?"

> >Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

> >Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you

> >see the 'Start' button displayed?"

> >Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

> >

> >

> >

> >Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized

> >that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my

> >file back again?"

> >

> >

> >British Rail:

> >Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the train?"

> >Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free."

> >

> >

> >

> >Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get

> >through to enquiries, can you help?"

> >Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

> >Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."

> >Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

[Dagabond]

7 Wonders of the World

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present "Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter's Basilica

7. China's Great Wall..

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.

"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the 'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

1. To See

2. To Hear

3. To Touch

4. To Taste

5. To Feel

6. To Laugh

7. And to Love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

A gentle reminder -- that the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

[XR6_ED]

Is Windows a Virus

Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

[XR6_ED]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, 'WHO'S HORNY?!!!'

"And she acts like she's sound asleep."

[XR6_ED]

Buying a Lexus

A woman walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her. Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. But, as she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman."Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted just touching it you're going to sh*t when you hear the price."

[Dagabond]

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem - she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetizer is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

[Dagabond]

Prison vs. Work

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own loot. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.