Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[Blown BA]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Blown BA]

Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last

name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take

care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You

can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear

a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to

a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world

is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas

station restroom because this one is just too icky. You

don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a

bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding

dress $5000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your

chest when you're talking to them. The occasional

well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes

don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the

time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You

know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can

open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the

slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to

invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your

underwear is $8.95 for three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are

more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in

public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same

hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to

shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your

life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and

one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can

"do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of

choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas

shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[aniken]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." he woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Steve, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Steve."

[Blown BA]

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo.

Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor.

When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help

but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man.

Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked.

The old man looks at Jesus and says,

"Pinocchio...?"

[Blown BA]

After months of plucking up courage, Tony decides to take a parachute jump.

But after leaping out of the tiny Cessna aircraft, he pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. Alarmed, he pulls his reserve chute cord , and again, nothing happens. As he's plummeting towards earth , and certain death , he spots another man shooting upwards at rapid speed.

'Do you know anything about parachutes?' cries Tony, as the man passes him.

'No,' comes the reply. 'Do you know anything about gas cookers?'

[Blown BA]

Two irish men are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in. They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.

A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the Irish men and asks them "What on earth is going on?". One of the Irishman replies saying, "Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today."

[JB]

I decided that I needed a few days off and realized that I had run out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy, thinking he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the next day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde-it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My blonde coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

[C.S.I]

> Bankstown High School

> City of Bankstown

> Mathematics Exam

>

> NAME ..............................

> GANG ...............................

> Time allowed 1 hour

>

> 1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on

> stolen 18inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from

> the

> stock suspension ?

> 2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many

> razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00 pm ?

> 3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl

> then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many

> kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park ?

> 4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an " 8 Ball " to

> Hamil for $320 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85 per gram, what is the street

> value

> of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it ?

> 5. If Ahmed receives $200 per week disability allowance from

> Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further

> $400

> per week and then pays $10 per week for each of his 11 children for

> school.

> How much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the

auctions

> ?

> 6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the

> average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger

> spray

> with 3 cans of paint ?

> 7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial

> hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if

> she

> is 47 ?

> 8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6

> out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many

> drive-by's can he attend before he has to reload ?

> 9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop's deep fryer

> every 18 months and this costs him $400, how often should he change the

> oil

> he

> wants to spend only $180 per annum on new oil ?

> 10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on

> weekends and earns $1200 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for

> his

> job search allowance ?

> 11. If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5%

> per month, the overall population is increasing at 2.1% per month, so at

> what rate are the Aussies leaving ?

> 12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make an overall 30%

> profit, how many ounces of cut will he require ?

> 13. Chang gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $150 for a Late model camira and

> $100 for a Falcon. If he has just stolen 2 BMW's and 3 Falcons, how many

> Commodores will he have to steal to make $1800. ?

> 14. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75 for the

> trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can

> support

> his $200 per day crack habit ?

> 15. If Greg Smith hears the word " yullah " approximately 55 times

> per hour in Bankstown Square, about how many times will he hear the

> word "mate " in Penrith Plaza while Bankstown's population is around

> 85,000 and Penrith has a population of about 10,000 ?

> 16. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from

> Leichhardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40

of

> his

> relatives need a lift and he can only out 12 people in his Valiant at

> any one given time ?

> 17. If Ahmed use 1.3kg of " bog " to fix his smashed car, how many

> cans of spray paint will he need when Hardware House is selling them for

> $9 each and each can contains 85mls and the ambient air temperature is

> 22.5

> degrees Celsius ?

> 18. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder, He received $10,000

> for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100 per month. How much

> money

> will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he

> now

> get for killing the b**ch that spent his money ?

> 19. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons open to reveal 1 golden

> cross and 2 other gold ornaments, and he has approximately 17sq cm of

> chest

> hair with an average length of 2cm, what is the probability that the

> ornaments

> will be visible from...

> a) 2 feet away ....... %

> b) 12 feet away ....... %

> c) 100 feet away ....... %

> 20. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2 per slice and she

> wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo

> pastry will she leave out, if it costs 62 cents per sheet and she

normally

> uses 17 on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices ?

> 21. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in

> the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang use contraception ?

> 22. If George has $12,000 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions,

> how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is

> a panel beater and charges his Habib rates of $50 per hour ?

> 23. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing

> her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will

> she need to move her head if Michelle, Lisa and Linda are all sitting 11

> metres apart from Julie ?

>

end of exam

[C.S.I]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive

country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table,

gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most

aggressive, meanest

divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,

if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the

Caribbean,

no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage,

and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and

move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young

woman

on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.