Cro Flower Power Legacy Donating Member 6,114 Member For: 23y 11m 7d Gender: Male Location: Sydney Posted 07/06/05 02:25 PM Posted 07/06/05 02:25 PM Reminds me of those old Hilux ads
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 8d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 15/06/05 10:27 AM Posted 15/06/05 10:27 AM A man walks into the church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest, "Father I have sinned, I was golfing yesterday and I cursed. " The priest replied, "Well would you like to tell me about it? " "Well I was on the seventh hole and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, and a long, long way out there. So feeling pretty good about myself I walked to wards my ball, but as I got within 30 feet of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball. " The priest interrupted, "OOOhhh I see, that's when you cursed." The man replied, "0h no Father, I did not curse then, but as the squirrel was running away, it reached the edge of the fairway and was quickly caught by a hawk, which promptly flew way up high I nto the air." Once again the priest interrupted, "That must have been when you cursed then." But the man continued,"No Father, the hawk started flying away and I followed it because it flew in the direction of the green. As it passed over the green, it dropped the squirrel out of its talons, causing the squirrel to drop my ball about 3 feet from the pin." The priest interrupts one more time, "Oh, don’t tell me you missed the phucking putt!"
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 8d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 15/06/05 10:28 AM Posted 15/06/05 10:28 AM Lucy, Jenna, Georgia, and Meg returned to the clubhouse after an afternoon of golf. "How did your game go?" asked the club pro. "Great," replied Lucy. "I had a terrific round with 25 riders." "Very good," said Jenna. "I did pretty well with 18 riders." "Okay," allowed Georgia. "I didn't do too badly with 12 riders." "Not too good." admitted Meg. "I only had four riders the entire round." A bit confused, but not wanting to sound ignorant because he didn't know what a rider was, the pro smiled and wished them better luck the next time. After they left, however, he approached Joe the bartender and asked, "Joe, can you tell me what the f*ck a 'rider' is?" "Sure," said Joe, smiling. "A rider is when she hits a shot long enough to take a ride on a golf cart."
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 8d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 15/06/05 10:28 AM Posted 15/06/05 10:28 AM I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books. I decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful. So I picked up the card and I dialed the number. "Hello?" the woman says. "Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound.? She says, "That sounds fantastic... But for an outside line you press 9."
sixfan Flaccid Member Legacy Donating Member 2,503 Member For: 23y 3m 27d Gender: Male Location: NOONAMAH, go figure..... Posted 16/06/05 12:36 PM Posted 16/06/05 12:36 PM Swann insurance.now that's a joke.
Flukey Seriously Flukey Member Legacy Donating Member 4,354 Member For: 22y 5m 27d Gender: Male Location: Melbourne Posted 16/06/05 12:42 PM Posted 16/06/05 12:42 PM I checked into a hotel on a business trip and I was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone books. I decided to phone one called Erogeonique, lovely girl, bending over in the photo -- beautiful. So I picked up the card and I dialed the number. "Hello?" the woman says. "Hi, I hear you do massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me a massage. No...wait, I want sex... I want it hard, fast and now! I'm talking kinky, the whole night, you name it we'll do it. Bring implements, bring toys... do the lot, all night, tie me up, cover me in anything. Now how does that sound.? She says, "That sounds fantastic... But for an outside line you press 9."That is a pisser
aniken I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it Legacy Donating Member 4,316 Member For: 23y 8m 28d Gender: Male Location: Sydney, south west Posted 17/06/05 11:48 PM Posted 17/06/05 11:48 PM Amanda Vanstone was being driven around the countryside in her limo by her driver.Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hits the cow.Slightly shaken up, the driver goes to see if the cow is alright."Is it alright?" asks Amanda from the comfort of the back seat.The driver prodded the cow with his foot, and shook his head............ No, ma'am, it's dead.""Well you were driving, not me, so you go and tell the farmer what happened!"So the driver goes off to the nearby farm.A couple of hours later the driver came back holding a bottle of Champagne with his clothes scruffy and all messed up.........................."Oh my God, what happened to you?", Amanda exclaimed as she saw the driver."Well ma'am, the farmer gave me this bottle of Champagne, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss, and their daughter had sex with me "!!"What the hell did you say?""Well ma'am, I just said..........." I'm Amanda Vanstone's driver, and I just killed the cow."
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 23y 10m 3d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 19/06/05 01:16 PM Posted 19/06/05 01:16 PM VAN GOGH'S RELATIVESThe grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ...--- U. GoghThe brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white..--- Hue GoghThe real obnoxious brother ...--- Please GoghThe brother who ate prunes ...--- Gotta GoghThe uncle who worked at a convenience store ...--- Stop N. GoghHis dizzy aunt ...--- Verti GoghHis domineering aunt...--- Vira GoghThe cousin who moved to Illinois ...--- Chica GoghHis magician uncle ...--- Wherediddy GoghThe cousin who lived in Mexico ...--- Grin GoghHe also had a Mexican relative ...--- Amee GoghThe nephew that drove a stage coach ...--- Wells Far GoghThe uncle who was constipated ...--- Cant GoghThe aunt who loved ballroom dancing ...--- Tan GoghHis ornithologist uncle ...--- Flamin GoghHis nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyst ...--- E. GoghHis cousin who loved tropical fruits ...--- Mang GoghAnd he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking ...--- Whey Too GoghHis bouncy young nephew ...--- Poe GoghHis Disco-loving sister ...--- Go Gogh
turbotom Team Bute Legacy Donating Member 1,550 Member For: 23y 2m 2d Gender: Male Location: Adelaide Posted 22/06/05 06:22 AM Posted 22/06/05 06:22 AM An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.He had a pond in the next paddock, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some mango and avocado trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."Moral: Old men can still think fast.
ZAP No boost, no bottle, just my foot on the throttle! Legacy Donating Member 7,935 Member For: 22y 7m 3d Gender: Male Location: Sydney Posted 24/06/05 06:23 AM Posted 24/06/05 06:23 AM This is why Quantas are the only airline without a major disaster to their name…After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems ...... encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
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