Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a pen*s.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

[Blown BA]

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breas*s. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breas*s larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"

[Blown BA]

A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They were

touring around the marketplace looking at the goods when

they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard

the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You! Foreigners!

Come in, come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them,

"I have some special sandals I think you would be interested

in. They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after

what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need

them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man,

"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally

gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look

in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent

him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down

his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,

"YOU GOT THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!"

[tab]

Q: Why did Ford put heaters in the bumpers of their new trucks?

A: So the owners can keep their hands warm while pushing them home.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Heaters in bumpers - you'd have to be a Expensive Daewoo driver to even believe the first line.

Q: Why is this country so far in debt?

A: Because the President drives a Ford.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In this country we have a Prime Minister in any case - see above comment.

Jeff.....do you know any decent mods around this place?

Trent.

[Cro]

Q: Why did Ford put heaters in the bumpers of their new trucks?

A: So the owners can keep their hands warm while pushing them home.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Heaters in bumpers - you'd have to be a Expensive Daewoo driver to even believe the first line.

Q: Why is this country so far in debt?

A: Because the President drives a Ford.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

In this country we have a Prime Minister in any case - see above comment.

Jeff.....do you know any decent mods around this place?

Trent.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

And he gets driven around in a statesman with a VX SS 5cm's behind him at 100kms in the wet!!!

[Dagabond]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breas*s, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breas*s. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills. :ooops:

[Dagabond]

*There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub.

Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it. The next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 25-05-05:

After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.* :ooops:

[Dagabond]

The smoker, alcoholic, and homosexual

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their ill health. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and the other was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead!

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!"

[Dagabond]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck . He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[Dagabond]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for

clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight", she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?" :metallicblue: