Joke Of The Day

[turbotom]

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out.

They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.

Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard.

As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.

Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second.

"We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night.

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband.

"My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her bum that said,

"We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station.

[XR6TT]

Two fags are on a picnic,and the first guy says,"I have to take a

dumpski,"and he walks into the woods to do it.

Several minutes later,the other guy hears the first guy crying

"Boo Hoo,I Had A Miscarriage.I Had A Miscarriage."

He runs into the woods to see what is going on.

When he gets there,the first guy is still crying,"Boo-Hoo I Had A

Miscarriage...

He looks down and says,"Don't be silly.You didn't have a miscarraige.You

had diarrhea on a toad."

[Turbo6man]

Am I missing something here? Do I lead too sheltered a lifestyle?? Is someone able to explain what is funny about this for poor ignorant ol' me???

[phantomchic]

Just for you Gary

this one just came in

A first grade teacher from Sydney explains to her class that she is a NSW State of Origin fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are NSW State of Origin fans too. Not really knowing what a NSW State of Origin fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There was however, one exception. Janet had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a NSW State of Origin fan," she answers. "Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?" "I'm a QLD State of Origin fan" boasts the little girl. The teacher asks Janet why she is a QLD State of Origin fan. "Well, my Dad and Mum are QLD State of Origin fans, so I'm a QLD State of Origin fan too" she responds. "That's no reason," the teacher says. "What if your mum was a moron and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?" Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be a NSW State of Origin fan".

:afro:

[drcook]

NEW VICTA LAWNMOWER

Its called the "CON-VICTA CHAPPELLE"

It can carry 4.1kg of grass and comes with a 20year garauntee!.

or...

the new fragrance from CHAPPELLE

its called "CONVICTION" and lasts for 20 years!!.

[drcook]

two moths sitting on a tree leaf.

butterfly flies over them.

one moth says to the other...

"you wouldnt catch me f*ckin dead up in one of those things"

[Blown BA]

When I asked her to the prom, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to move in with me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to kiss me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to make love to me, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked for her hand in marriage, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

When I asked her to bear my children, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled.

That's when I realized, she was a retard.

[Blown BA]

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke

any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and

break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn

kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments

go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds

leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the

beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely

upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not

condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm

never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for r

eal work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going

to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign

that doesn't apply to you.

[Blown BA]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applied to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than "going blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time! .

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where a! lcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...? Did the government pay for this research?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too)

And, last but not least?.

Turtles can breathe through their butts

[CJF077]

Have to admit this is funny