Joke Of The Day

[Turboboy]

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty Receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she wants to lay a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

'It's Keith, the dwarf!'

[Evil F6]

Don't know if this has been posted. Voted best short UK joke.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her two

kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice children

you've got there. Are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they

bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell

would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike,

you dickhead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the greeter, 'I just can't believe anyone would

shag you twice!'

[Evil F6]

Ah bloody lag

Edited 02/05/08 03:09 PM by Evil F6

[straughsberry]

lol

[Butto]

A man walks onto a bus and happens to notice a nun, under closer inspection he notices she is the hottest little thing this side of the horizon. After a long trip of staring the nun finally reaches her destination and hops off. So the man approaches the driver and asks 'Wats the go with her? Does she ride on here every day?'. The bus driver replies '...you know, Ive heard a rumour about her. Apparantly she prays everynight at the graveyard around the corner and if you appear dressed as God and say youve come to take her virginity she'll f*ck you.' The man as you would be was shocked and excited at the same. He hops off the bus and continues on his way.

Later on that night he dresses up and heads to the cemetary, sure enough he sees the a nun on her knees lurched over a grave praying. He approaches the nun from behind and announces 'I am Jesus, I have come to take your virginity!' A small voice replies, 'I was saving my virginty for God but you can do me in the a*se Jesus.'

Without hesitation 'Jesus' jumps on the nun and has his way with her. The second he finishes he jumps off her, throws off his disguise and yells,

'Ha ha im not really Jesus!'

The nun jumps back throws off her robes and exclaims,

'Ha ha Im the busdriver!'

[Superdan]

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

[Superdan]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "f*ck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[Superdan]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[Superdan]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[Superdan]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."