Joke Of The Day

[Guest newl]

loved the last one hahahahahah

[Led Ft]

A middle aged guy had just finished crabbing down the creek,

as he was pulling his boat up the ramp he was approached by the fishery's.

the fisherys ask "hey mate can I check your bags" he said sure.

the fisherys started mesureing the crabs and come a cross a female crab, and said! "wat is this doing here" the man replyed its my pet mud crab, breaf pause from both men ...

"pet crab?" the fisherys replyed.

"yes my pet crab, it swims around as I fish, ill show you"

both men walk down to the water edge and the guy puts the crab in the water and it swims off in the distance.

the fisherys ask the man "where did the crab go" the man said back "what crab?"

[Superdan]

brilliant

[RegSpec]

I was depressed last night, so I called LifeLine.

My call got routed to a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked me if I knew how to drive a truck.

[turbotom]

A North Queenslander walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

" I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."

"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."

"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it ..."

"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[ENVY-T]

sh*t tom, thought you had bought a Expensive Daewoo or summing! How you been oldtimer?

[Led Ft]

A North Queenslander walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons.

" I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."

"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "

"Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."

"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it ..."

"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

AHAHAHHAHA!

[Chich]

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering

a snake in the Area of Operations (AO).

(ORSA model developed on contract)

INFANTRY: Snake smells them, leaves area.

AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.

ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

AVIATION: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake.

Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and

manicure.

RANGER: Plays with snake, then eats it.

FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage

with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several

hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is

considered a success and all participants (I.e., cooks, mechanics

and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State

Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by

building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains

it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon

return.

COMBAT ENGINEER: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal

thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake

using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces

don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake

ops.

NAVY SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire

support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and

retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS

kill Muslim extremist snakes.

NAVY: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,

kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations

Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of

anti-snake force projection.

MARINE: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local

civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

MARINE RECON: Follows snake, gets lost.

COMBAT CONTROLLERS: Guides snake elsewhere.

PARA-RESCUE JUMPER: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works

feverishly to save snake's life.

SUPPLY: (Notice: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

TRANSPORT PILOT: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers

two weeks after due date.

F-15 PILOT: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter

and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on

aircraft.

F-16 PILOT: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and

misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of

snake due to weather (too hot also too cold, was clear but too

overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud

cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar,

high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to

kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

AH-64 APACHE PILOT: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well

on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power

lines or SAM's.

UH-60 BLACKHAWK PILOT: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake

builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone.

Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 PILOT: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every

other living thing within two miles of target.

MISSILE CREW: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds,

but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to

use nuclear weapons.

INTELLIGENCE OFFICER: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35

indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the

potential for snake activity as LOW.

JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing

grounds of professional courtesy.

FIELD PSYCHIATRIST: Assume the snake is dead.... How do you

feel about that?

[Chich]

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my pen*s" ?

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans pen*s. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

[Chich]

store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor, And this floor exists only are proof that woman are F*CKING IMPOSSIBLE to please!!!! good luck now...