Joke Of The Day

[ENVY-T]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

[senna_T]

That wasn't a story from your childhood was it Marcus?

[Turboboy]

An oldie but a goodie????

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light.

The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to

know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells

him of the red light violation.

The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's

ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower

right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the

"Violator" for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points

to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that

you're an Asshole!"

Two months later they're in court.

The "Violator" has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his licence

and has hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a

reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature and

mine, same number at the top.

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket

you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an

"AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes Sir."

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"

Officer: "Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!"

[zx6rblue]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in

Bozeman, Montana,

while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a

Cowboy on his way to

Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist

Arab student, newly

arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners

learn that the Arab is a

devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table

and tips his big

sweat-stained hat forward over his face The wind outside is blowing

tumbleweeds around, and the

old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At

one time here, my people

were many, but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people

were few,' he

sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from

the darkness

beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .

'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe

it's a-comin'.'

[XRDOSE]

WEDDING NIGHT Honeymoon at Home:

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's Mom and Dad's House for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his

breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his

Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet..

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!

Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his Mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up

yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His Mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!

Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up

yet?'

His Mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I thin k?'

His Mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I

gave him my Super Glue.'

[exarsixturbo]

Ivan Milat is driving a couple of backpackers to a special camping ground deep in the forrest. As he drives further and further in to the forrest it gets darker and darker and the backpakers start getting worried. One of them says to Ivan "this sure is a creepy place, I really dont like it" to which ivan replies

"yeah and to think I have to drive back thru it by myself "

[tab]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses'.

[XRDOSE]

[Chich]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the

barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.

[our06t]

that's a goldie