Joke Of The Day

[turbo.vixen]

No offence to anyone intended, but some are funny.

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister..!'

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My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not f*cking listening'

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Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*cks off.

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Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

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Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a.r.s.e but you said, 'F*ck off it'll be too painful',

Now, who's laughing?

Edited 07/11/08 06:12 AM by Buf-Phoon
Removed Racist elements

[turbo.vixen]

The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack

‘Grumpy, my son,’ says the Pope, ‘What can I do for you?’

Grumpy asks, ‘Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?’

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and

answers, ’No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.’

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, ‘Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?’

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, ‘No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, ‘Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?’

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, ‘I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.’

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting.....

‘Grumpy screwed a penguin!’

’Grumpy screwed a penguin!’

‘Grumpy screwed a penguin!’

[Turboboy]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

[Turboboy]

Four married guys go golfing.

During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:

First Guy:

'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:

'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:

'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'll remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:

'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: 'Golf-course or intercourse?'

She said: 'Wear sun-block.'

[Turboboy]

My wife wanted me to make love to her like they do in the movies, so I stuck it in her arse and came over her face. She got mad. I guess we watch different movies?

[exarsixturbo]

I think a bit of wee just came out!! :laughrolling:

[Raging]

Little girl comes running home from school...

"Mum!" she said, "Billy's pen*s is just like a peanut!"

The mother thinks about this and grins to herself.

"What do you mean honey, are you saying its small?!"

"No, its salty!"

[Raging]

I was sitting at the pub just the other day when one of the locals walked in and pulled up a seat beside me.

"You'd never guess my luck" he said, "Just yesterday I was on my way here, and I took the short-cut along the railway line, and I came across this woman tied to the tracks. So I ran over, untied her, took her home and made love to her in every position you could possibly imagine!"

"Aww mate that's great!" I said. "Was she pretty?"

"Dunno mate, I never found her head..."

[turbo.vixen]

The three Dolls

in a man's life are:

1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

2.........His Girlfriend, 'Barbie doll'

Wait for it

3.....His Wife, 'Panadol'

[ralfus90]

whats a wok?

sumfing you fwow at a wabbit when you havent got a wifle.......

just got bad didnt it....BUT WAIT THERES MORE!!!!

all care taken no responsibility....

a gay couple been togetha for years when one dies....so the other finally goes to the funeral parlour to figure out how to dispose of his partner...the celebrant says..well you have two options..the first is a conventional burial...the gay man says..oh ok what does that involve? well says the celebrant...we lay him to rest in a beautiful coffin and have a cerimony where everyone can see him off then we lower him into the earth and bury him...OH HELL NO!!!says the gay man...he hated bugs ..he was a clean person he would just hate me if he knew I did that to him...

well says the celebrant..the other option is cremation...

what does that involve asks the gay man...

well we will still have a service where the family and friends can see him off buit then instead of burying him we exhume his remains in a furnace and reduce themn to ashes which you can then dispose of or scatter as you wish....f*ck NO!!!says the gay man...he hated the heat he was a winter person and fire was one of his greatest fears..absolutely not...he hated the heat...

well says the celebrant...im sorry but they are the oinly two options...

well I have an idea says the gay man...why dont you chop him up into lots of little bits and pieces and ill take him home and make a curry for dinner with him....

WHY THE f*ck WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT?????!!!!asks the celebrant....

so I can feel him dribble out my ass one more time in the morning................