Joke Of The Day

[tab]

lol...how are those ford performace radials going Dan? And you think I'm a joke?

[Ghosti]

^ ouch, lol >.<

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he's not pushing himself up... he's pushing the world down.

[Turboboy]

The NRL have cleared Matthew Johns of any misconduct as the kiwi girl at the centre of the sex scandle admitted she wasn't aware of the interchange rule!

[tab]

Probably a .....

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine..

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

( Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[Rootster]

whatever tab...

[tab]

Are you woman?

[turbo.vixen]

whatever tab...

good call.... sorry tab

[Rootster]

And todays joke of the day.......wait ......wait ...its coming

JAMIE

[tab]

The International Council of Man Laws, Ltd.

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed

and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out

of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off

limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is

forbidden.

However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another

man.

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At

that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's

choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask

the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have satisfied

her sexually. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of

flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're

sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and

only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to

kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies

until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as

much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must

remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of

pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,

except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting

weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

© Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

I.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other

situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you

need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer

than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.

Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"

have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and

guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the

discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for

her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of

story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics.

Ever.

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really

know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the

definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are

you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass

and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

[Dagabond]

They found a fix for the swine flu...fill a room with smoke and hang round in it till your cured....