Joke Of The Day

[Superdan]

Rodney Dangerfield's 22 Best One-Liners

Not Goons but some are funny never the less.

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel .

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"

He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I w ent to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

And my Favorite: I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!

[gezza]

rolmfao quality!!

[SubJimbo]

Some funny IRC conversations..

<Chin> My sister caught me jacking off the other week and calls me a pervert

<Chin> just the other day I walked into my room and caught my sister masturbating

<Chin> So she calls me a pervert again?!?

<Chin> there is no justice in the world...

___

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

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<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler

<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown

<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown

<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews

<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

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<JonTG> Man, my pen*s is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z

<JonTG> wait, ~love~

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<Patrician> what does your robot do, sam

<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls

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Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me

GarbageStan23: why?

Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!

GarbageStan23: oh ~love~!

Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever

Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

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<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b

<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?

<BonyNoMore> wait

<BonyNoMore> never mind

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<TAURiNE> I guess Dafreakzo and distressp are twins who were seperated in the hospital

<distressp> don't ~censored~ around

<distressp> I was adopted

<distressp> I live in constant fear of accidentally ~censored~ a relative

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<calin> we had a guy at school that wore black lipstick.. and was all gothy.. and then one day we caught him buying an assvibrator

<ecoli> ew.

<ecoli> wait, you "caught" him?

<ecoli> like, you were behind him in line at the assvibrator store?

<Aero> he doesnt answer

*** Quits: calin (No route to host)

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<zack> omg its zack wtf: my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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<scirDSL> I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

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BlkBlade393: would you hit it?

WordsLikeVenom: I'd hit it so hard, if you pulled me out you'd be the king of britain

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<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike

<goatboy> what?

<MooseOnDaLoose> ~Censored~.

<goatboy> er?

<MooseOnDaLoose> ~Censored~.

<goatboy> and?

<MooseOnDaLoose> ~Censored~.

<goatboy> ...

<MooseOnDaLoose> ~Censored~.

<goatboy> I dont get it

<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.

<goatboy> ~censored~

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<Mikkel> If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you

woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?

<Celestya> I dont think so

<Mikkel> Wanna go camping?

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<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm

<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then

<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass

<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat

<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

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<TN> I got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section

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<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if I move the mouse around he chases after it

<spitfire> haha mendo

<spitfire> take a screen shot

<spitfire> wait

<spitfire> that made no sense

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<UKDJ> I swear to god

<UKDJ> I've just heard a duck tell a joke

<Jock> o...k

<UKDJ> there was as group of ducks on a pond near where I live

<UKDJ> one of the ducks was quacking away looking straight at a group of like 10 ducks

<UKDJ> then he stopped and all the other ducks went mental

<UKDJ> it looked just like duck stand-up comedy

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<glacial> I love school

<glacial> Today our term paper due date's set

<glacial> Our instructor says that we WILL hand in the paper on time, and she'll accept no excuses except illness, with a note from our doctor, or a death in the immediate family, with a note from the dead member.

<glacial> So this wiseass pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

<glacial> She waits for the laughs to die down and says:

<glacial> "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand"

[turbo.vixen]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the stove.

Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus.

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering

[tab]

Am so looking forward to seeing your fiance today Jamie

[Turboboy]

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere'

going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, with the lap dances and other "special services".

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Buf-Phoon]

Am so looking forward to seeing your fiance today Jamie

so did you meat her or not ?

[tab]

Meat?

We did lunch

[turbo.vixen]

tab and my missus are like this buffy .they always gang up on me

[Ace]

drunk man goes to the toilet at the pub

while he is in there there are almighty screams heard from the toilet

the publican getting the sh.ts with the drunk goes in to see whats going on

publican"oi mate whats the f,,,ing problem your scaring off all my customers"

Drunk" every time I flush the dunny sumfin jumps up and squeezes the shlt outta my balls"

Publican" that's because your sitting on the mop bucket ya twit"