Joke Of The Day

[Panda Eyes]

why is divorce so expensive?

cause its worth it....

[Panda Eyes]

my wife said she wanted something with diamonds for our anniversary- so I got her a pack of cards

other day I came home and the wife said "my car wont start- I think theres water in the carbueretter" I asked-" what makes you say that?"

she replied: "because its in the river".

[Nechromar]

The Lesbians next door,bought me a Rolex for my birthday

I think they misunderstood me when I said.I wanna watch.

[HIRO F6]

Your kidding arnt ya??? I went to post this same joke up and read it was the last joke on here! Got emailed it yesterday. Do you know a guy called Andy Clarke?

[qikin71]

ALCOHOL BAD FOR LEGS

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they spread ."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Nechromar]

Your kidding arnt ya??? I went to post this same joke up and read it was the last joke on here! Got emailed it yesterday. Do you know a guy called Andy Clarke?

Haha! I thought my friend made it up like near 2 weeks ago..I shall ask him..to see if 'borrowed' it from elsewhere.

Pretty sure I don't know your friend.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!

[Dagabond]

Your kidding arnt ya??? I went to post this same joke up and read it was the last joke on here! Got emailed it yesterday.

...As did half the planet probably.

[FPV6T]

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners.

The Asian lady says 'come again'.....

The blonde says 'no, its toothpaste this time you Nosey Bitch!'

[FPV6T]

THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS ...

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness

and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.

When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it

... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder

in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home,

we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way

... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!

[FPV6T]

"THE HORTH WHITHPERER"

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at buying a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So,the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again

and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny,

pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'