Joke Of The Day

[qikin71]

A Tasmanian man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.”

[nang3]

I may have already posted it but here we go again;

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar ..... and that's just the first guy !!

[FPV6T]

My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees.....

I lasted less than a day.....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,

mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings..

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins.

The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?

Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,

I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[FPV6T]

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits,

how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from you stupid little boy?

Johnny: Because I've already got 1 fcuking rabbit at home you dumb bitch!

[Baddy]

Two Uni students having a coffee when one of them is complaining of a sore elbow, "I must see a doctor soon, my elbow is killing me" says the first student "Why don't you go down stairs, there's a machine, you pay $10 and it tells you exactly what's wrong with you" said the other. "It may save you a hefty doctor's fee".

So they go downstairs insert $10 into the machine, out comes a plastic cup for a urine sample, pisses in it & puts it back into the machine. Seconds later the machine starts to flash & begins yelling "You have chipped bones & sore muscles in you elbow, need to rest it for 2 weeks!!".

The student takes a deep breath & screams "This is great....I'll give it a real test".

The next day he revisists the machine but this time in the cup he has urine samples from his mum, sister, dog & cat ....&......looks around if anyone is watching & masturbates & comes in the cup & places it into the machine. This should fix it the student yells with excitement. A few seconds later the machine begins to flash & yell out "Your mum has VD, your sister has diabetes, your dog is OK, your cat is pregnant and......if you don't stop pulling yourself, your elbow will never get better".

Edited 25/08/09 04:32 AM by Baddy

[mattyb]

a fat chic walks into a bar and says, if anyone can guess my weight it take you home... som bloke in the corner yells out a tonne you fat bitch... close enough you lucky bastard she says as she drags him away!

[FPV6T]

THE BLONDE PAINTER

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30pm and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is okay.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,

and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...,

You'll love this...,

Yep... I know you will...,

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'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'

[turbo.vixen]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”

The boy said, “Yes, she did....” “Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

“Have her explain that to you.”

[turbo.vixen]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a

Police Officer sees a car * *puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to

himself, “this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!”

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the

car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seats and

three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t

understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the

problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know

that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly.. Twenty-two kilometers an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22

was the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the

woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t made a peep this whole

time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway

189.“*

[turbo.vixen]

Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree… “Ere ye go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, “A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

Paddy is the new supervisor.