Joke Of The Day

[mic]

chinese man calls in sick. "me sick boss". boss replies "when im sick I make love to my wife". chinese man calls bak later. "hey boss I better, u got nice house".

[FPV6T]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[FPV6T]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[FPV6T]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Guest Al@n]

A liitle girl is standing in the corner of the class room with little Johnny's shorts pulled open, staring down into his wide open shorts. The teacher sees this and comes racing over. The little girl then looks up at the teacher and says "Miss, I know why boys can ran faster than girls, they have a ball bearing stick shift".

[Guest EGOXRT]

THE GREEK LOAN

A Greek man walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Greece on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Greek man handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Greek man produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Greek man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Greek man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07 in full. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000 when you are a millionaire?"

The Greek man replied, "Malaka, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

Ah, the Greeks...

[ravenhard]

The Honeymoon

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate

their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession

to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with

him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the

husband gets up and walks to the telephone..

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get

something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a secondtime.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Guest XR09]

Three couples go camping

The boys decide to sleep in one tent and the girls in the other.

About four in the morning one of the guys wakes up and nudges his mate and says.

" I gotta sneak into the chicks tent, I have woken up with the biggest hard on of my life"

His mate asks " would you like me to come with you ?"

"WTF" He replies. " why would I want you to come"

"Because that's my cock you have a hold of" replied his mate

[FPV6T]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.!!

[turbo.vixen]

VERY INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have ‘the rule of thumb’.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented…

It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only… Ladies Forbidden’...and thus,

the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to

be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money

is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.

Treasury.

Men can read smaller

print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was

originally green.

It is impossible to lick

your elbow.

The State with the

highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

The percentage of

Africa that is wilderness:

28%

(now get this...)

The percentage of

North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising

a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

The average number

of people airborne over the U.S. in any given

hour: 61,000

Intelligent people

have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever

written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco

Cable cars are the only mobile National

Monuments.

Each king in a deck

of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x

111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the

park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,

the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in

the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died

of natural causes.

Only two people

signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,

John Hancock and Charles Thomson.

Most of the rest signed on August 2,

but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all

Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats.

What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

Q. If you were to

spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you

would find the letter ‘A’?

A. One thousand!

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented

by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls

than any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

In Shakespeare’s

time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,

making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the

phrase… ‘Goodnight , sleep tight’!

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts…

So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them…

‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’

It’s where we get

the phrase ‘Mind your P’s and Q‘s’!

Many years ago in

England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,

they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’

is the phrase inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of

people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

Don’t delete the paragraph below just because it looks weird.

Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?