Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a

glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of

champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I

am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man

asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all

of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different c*ck,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Corzza]

BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in

Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross" The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Damn Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Damn Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "ticked off" to "Let's get the Mongrels" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide" The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender" The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing" Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides"

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose"

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate" Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled" So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[Corzza]

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Woolworths

The husband picks up a case of Foster beer and puts it in their trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tooheys and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

[Corzza]

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to

meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day

long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made

no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go

somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I

asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault

that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with

me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know

why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost

him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat

there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and

absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15

minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his

thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to

do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a

disaster.

His Diary:

Motorcycle wouldn't start, can't figure out why

[Corzza]

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.

The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."

"No worries," replies the clerk.

"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."

"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.

With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.

In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.

She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing?" she asks.

"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

[Corzza]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh ****."

[Corzza]

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[Corzza]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Corzza]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[Corzza]

My wife’s uncle Murray was invited up to the Daintree for a spot of Barra fishing by his buddy Frank.

On the morning in question they went to an old secluded boat ramp, launched the 15 foot aluminium dinghy and drifted downstream with the flow of the river. After a quite few hours (and beers) they had slipped down the river a couple miles but still had not caught anything worth taking home. Being an old timber getter from way back Frank still had a keen eye for quality wood that he could mill up and sell off as coffee tables. He spotted what he swore was a mid trunk section of a Silky Oak tree drifting along with the telltale curls of the water-sodden bark just protruding from the smooth surface of the water. With hand on the tiller he steered the dinghy alongside the log ready to lash it to the gunnels and drag it back to shore. As the pair got alongside the log there was a mighty splash and the hissing roar of a seven metre giant who was hungry for anything that may offer itself as a meal. Frank still had a firm grip on the outboard throttle and with a deft twist and a crafty steering manoeuvre he was able to clear the old croc and, albeit a little shaken, headed back toward the car and trailer.

As they were nearing the boat ramp Frank recalled that he saw an old workmate heading further up the river on his annual pilgrimage to the happy (Barra) hunting grounds. While talking to Murray he said “Old Bob and a couple of his mates are camping a few miles past the car and he usually has quite a few cartons and at least a couple of crates of amazing moonshine he is always willing to share with friends. That should help settle the nerves a bit.

To which Murray replied “After the near miss with that croc I will have to pass on the invitation my friend. Mate I’m certain I have a really bad case of dysentery.”

In reply Frank said “Don’t worry too much about that Murray bring that along too, those guys will drink anything!!