Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

SPOONERISM.... When you swop the 1st letters with the first and second words!

BUCKING FRILLIANT!!!!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker

could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many

takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try

getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting

your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella

worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling

shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters

were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was

called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty

sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the

ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her

name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned

a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy

ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told

Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking

falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when

suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"

said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks, so

dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince

knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in..

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let

off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince..

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on

both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a

knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge

halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and

it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince

lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a

follen swanny!

Edited 27/09/11 09:26 PM by Corzza

[Panda Eyes]

that made me lol a coupla times...

[Corzza]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kilos

The average man's pen*s is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Corzza]

Murphy and Mary decided to try a 69 but Murphy's never done one before. So Mary says I'll show you.

She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him, as she lowers herself she farts, apologizing she tries again, but farts again. Murphy jumps up and storms away yelling I'll be f@cked if I'm hanging around for another 67 of them!!!

[Corzza]

Blonde Payment Plan.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the

contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been

completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

...just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,

that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung

up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!!

[Corzza]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard." The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Corzza]

An Indian goes to Woolworth's in Australia.

He finds cat food at special prices.

He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy might not have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices.

He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out.

The Manager again gets suspicious.

He thinks that this guy may have a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog food to his kids.

He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Indian goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week the Indian comes to Woolworth's with a bag.

He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately pulls it out.

He shouts at the Indian, "What the hell ! This is (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent), you Idiot !"

The Indian calmly replies, "Yes, now may I buy some toilet paper?"

[Corzza]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago without her knowledge.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[Corzza]

Classic: Indians will go to any lengths to save a buck !!!!!!!!!!!

The Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the USA. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it at all. When they opened the lid , they found a letter on the top addressed to the entire family.

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha, I am sending Ma's body to you, since it was her wish that she be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT.

Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find inside the coffin, under Ma's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.

Ma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ma is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ma's left wrist.

Shanta masi, Ma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ma is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.

Love,

Smita Patel.

PS : And if anything more is required let me know soon, as Father is also not feeling too well.

[Corzza]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent). If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent), We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The Australian people, 2011.'