Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.

He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who the #^$% did your hair?"

[Corzza]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ...

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS !

But I bet you send it on

[Never had any say Panda]

BRISBANE SUBURBS:

A Woodridge girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the Woodridge girl,

"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan

and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Woodridge girl, "Its great because if they are out

playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'

or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed

Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Woodridge girl... "I just use their surnames"

A Goodna girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll

take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. Two Inala girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Eagleby girl?

A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Kingston girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Kingston girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during an Woodridge quiz night?

A. What you looking at?

Q. What does a Redbank Plains girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

Q. Two Eagleby kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Woodridge girl?

A. A Woodridge girl has a higher sperm count.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Eagleby ?

A. Fathers day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Inala ?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

[Corzza]

An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar

enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot

the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the

bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was

cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American.

As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

[Corzza]

It's The Law.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to

the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly

proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were

in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the

telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine

won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely

proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose

seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones

who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the

toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room,

they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what

you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a

product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better..

But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[Corzza]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but

halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..

They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him

in the course.'

So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,

his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,

kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Buf-Phoon]

CANBERRA (Staff writers and Agencies) - Opposition Leader Mr Rabbit yesterday welcomed the passing of carbon tax legislation he and a coalition of gape jawed crazy people had opposed, congratulating the prime minister on her win in Parliament.

"This is a great day for all Australians," said Rabbit, grinning like a loon on a nitrous binge. "A day when they begin to take back control of their lives and the future of the planet by placing their lives and the planet's future in my hands."

Theatrically reaching for the heavens with his hands clenched like broken claws, Mr Rabbit said, "Mwahahahahaha," before hurrying on to a shadow cabinet meeting and celebratory keg party.

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The opposition leader beamed as he contemplated the almost countless numbers of voters he would be able to scare sh*tless with threats of soul crushing tax hikes.

"And balaclava-wearing storm troopers," he added.

"Ordinary Australians must never forget the very real spectre of Labor's death squads rappelling down from mainstream Australia's attic spaces and stealing peoples precious freedoms to use as much carbon as the Bible says so, which is lots, believe me."

Predicting that the government's carbon pricing plan would lead not just to price rises, but to a rain of poison toads, dogs and cats coupling openly together, and constant incursions into the lives of voters by ruthless ninja-like state-sponsored wet work teams, Mr Rabbit also claimed that the carbon tax would have the unforeseen consequence of guaranteeing him so many seats in the next Parliament that he could do whatever he damn well pleased when he was king, especially if he wrote it down in a little secret promise to himself.

The prime minister, meanwhile, put a brave face on her win, dismissing widespread concerns and the private advice of her closest advisors that making any change to anything whatsoever would damage her politically because most people were too stupid to walk and draw breath at the same time, let alone take in the policy implications of a fundamental shift in the economy to a post carbon future.

"They couldn't be that stupid, could they?" she mused out loud, before muttering, "Oh wait…" and wandering off.

Reaction from the minor parties and independents was mixed, with Bob Brown saying the new laws were a good start but only a start on the long, generational challenge of placing armed squads of ruthless ninja-like state-sponsored wet work teams in everyone's attic to make sure they were doing the right thing and thinking the right thoughts.

Maverick Independent Bob Katter blamed poofters for everything.

[Corzza]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the

doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '

I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

[Guest XR09]

My best rugby moment:

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. ..

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.

The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[Corzza]

A tough looking group of bikers was riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?""I'm going to commit suicide," she says

While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she did ... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she'd finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting.You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl...."