Joke Of The Day

[johno]

I think his whole family work there

[Corzza]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

[Howsee]

Bahahahahaha

[Corzza]

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these

cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.

"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and

says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is

pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a

man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a Virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of

it.

About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong

out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the

last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3

wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this

time!!!!"

[Corzza]

An experience of a German Tourist on his first visit to America

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida,

finds the red light district and enters a large brothel.

The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain

him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits

on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing

this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the

gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits

on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,

"No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for

something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with

him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola

has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the

madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a

bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she

screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all

her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself

for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could

possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has

made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a

lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is

available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic,

giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

[Corzza]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas Bank and forced the Tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed The hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the Tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The Robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence, in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you."

[Corzza]

A man boards a plane at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, he had just sat down in his seat when he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. She was heading straight towards him and bingo she took the seat right next to him. "Hello" he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation ?" She turned to him, smiled enchantingly and said "Business, I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to debunk some of the old myths about sexuality.." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well she explained, "one popular myth is that African - American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait, another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said.. "Tonto Papadopolous, but my friends call me Paddy.."

Mick and Paddy are reading some head stones at a nearby Cemetery, Mick says "Crikey! There's this bloke here who was 152 !" Paddy says " What's his name, where was he from?" Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

Paddy the electrician was sacked form his job at the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion, it was a death trap!

Paddy takes his new bride to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed arms and legs spread wide apart and says "You know what I want don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed back his drink and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

[Corzza]

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, Were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

[Corzza]

A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

[Corzza]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People -

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

NICKNAMES

· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

MONEY

· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more

than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist

appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!