Joke Of The Day

[MX Dave]

Haha! I'm a culprit of pocket knife nails

[Corzza]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.'

'Hmmm (hic).' 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For fark's sake, you stupid Kiwi pr1ck. It's ten past three in the farking morning!!!

[PookeyMaster]

1 and 3 from today were good

[Corzza]

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife.

Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"

"Chook's missus gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

[Corzza]

A little bloke was sitting at the public bar knocking back a schooner when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the little bloke, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the little bloke gets back on his stool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the little bloke, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The little bloke decides he's had enough and leaves. Half an hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.

The little bloke says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

[Corzza]

At the end of the tax year the ATO sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the ATO in Canberra, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Corzza]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

5. Phenomina

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. A kebab? No thanks mate, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you. Or your mates. Or their cousins.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Corzza]

Nyphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had eve seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[rbjet]

I cry with laughter at my desk everyday reading this sh*t!

[Howsee]

Hahahaha love it