Joke Of The Day

[Eugene]

Marcos is strolling through the NZ country side after the final race, when he notices young Murphy, chock o block up a sheep,

A little bemussed by what he has seen, he wanders over to Murph, who hasnt missed beat at this stage, and says,

You know Murph, in Australia we shear them, to which Murph replies

Puss of and get your own Ayy, I aint sharing her with anyone.

[JB]

Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."

[JB]

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

[JB]

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

To which she responded, "Three years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she replied, "31 years old"

The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

[Turbofalke]

The worst named bus company in Finland....

[Blown BA]

A girl went into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one!

What is the new O. J. web site address? slash.slash.backslash.escape.com

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? About four inches.

What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One...Men will screw anything.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with...the other is used to carry groceries.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

[Blown BA]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch pen*s, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy ask him, "What's wrong with you?" In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?" The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch pen*s, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." "Whew" the small guy says," Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."

[Blown BA]

Clitty Clitty Bang Bang

To most men, the clitoris is like Aberdeen. They have a vague idea where it is but see no reason to go there

[BADGERSXR6TUTE]

a plane took off from sydney airport. after it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Welcome to flight 293, non stop from sydney to perth.The weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Nw sit back and relax - oh my god! Then silence. Shortly after, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and Gentlemen, Iam sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffe in my lap.You should see the front of my pants! At the rear of econoy a man muttered, You should see the back of mine!

[Blown BA]

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no-one would eat?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a sh*tsu, would it be called a bullsh*tsu?

If it's illegal to go that fast, why is it legal to make a car that will go that fast?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?