Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A Man's Answer

Top Ten answers men would love to give to women's stupid questions:

1. No we can't be friends, I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonite.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it??? It took me ten beers to get up the courage to look at it.

[Cro]

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "what is the

difference between potentially and realistically?" The father pondered for a

while, and then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep

with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she

would Sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. When you've done that,

come back and tell me what you have learnt."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with

Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass on an

opportunity like that."

"The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with

Brad

Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replies, "Oh gosh!!! I would

just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up on an opportunity like

that."

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back

to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

potentially & realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially

we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living

with two sluts."

"That's my boy," the father replied.

[Cro]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

[Cro]

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?" The student replied, "BIG ones."

[Cro]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[Cro]

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this manoeuvre, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..."

[Cro]

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway." "OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?" "That's my business!" snapped the woman. "Oh, right!" said the young man, "I didn't realise you made a living at it!”

[Turbofalke]

"President" Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the

classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a

farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f ***** accident either".

[Blown BA]

One day, there was this man who decided to try out sunbathing at a nudists' beach. He finally found a suitable spot at the 'The Havern' and settled down to make himself comfortable. Being a first-timer, he found

An hour later, he noticed a little girl staring down at him. Beginning to feel increasingly ackward, he placed the newspaper over his private parts. The little girl, whose curiousity had been *AROUSED* asked him what that was and he explained that it was his bird he kept it under wraps so that it wouldn't fly away. Soon after, having got used to the piercing stare, he fell asleep......

When he awoke, he had a shock of his life to find himself at the General Hospital, remembering only vaguely of a certain BAD dream he had had of finding his 'bird' being roasted! "What the hell happened?" he said to himself. It was an even greater surprise, when the little girl who was at the beach, stepped into his room.

"Hello. You're awake."

"Yes, hi. Do you know how I came to be here?" he asked the little girl.

"Actually......yes. You see, while you were sleeping, I wanted to play with your bird. But after a while, it started to *SPIT* at me. I was SOooo angry, I BROKE its neck, CRUSHED its eggs and set its nest ON FIRE, that was when the people from the hospital started to arrive and they brought you here. By the way, don't worry about the bird, the nice man in the white suit tells me that it's already dead and wouldn't do anyone anymore harm."

[Blown BA]

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight $1.00 a pound.

and simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man res- ponded, 'Ten pounds.'. The voice replied, 'Very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stateing, 'If you catch me you can screw me'.

Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said, 'Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'.

'Very well', the voice on the phone told him, 'Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.'

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stateing 'If you catch me you can screw me'.

The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.'. The overweight man replied, 'My checks already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning.', and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stateing,

'If I catch you I'm going to screw you'

Edited 25/11/04 06:00 AM by Blown BA