Joke Of The Day

[Macktheknife]

I was at the pub the other day when Steve Irwin come in with a Crocodile.

After a couple of beers, Steve loosen up a bit, gets out the old fella, sticks it in the crocs mouth and slams the crocs jaws together. Crikey.

After ten minutes, he grabs a bottle of beer and smacks the croc over the head. Croc opens up his mouth and Steve removes his old fella without a bit of damage.

Steve then says to us all, "allright, I'll give ten grand to anyone who can do the same."

We all took another mouthful or two.

Then an old codger who was up the back comes over to Steve and says, "I'll give it a go mate just dont hit me aver the head with the bottle though"

[aniken]

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders,your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,you will go metric with immediate effect and conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as American Beer will henceforth be referred to as Near-Frozen Knat's Urine,with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or Gasoline, as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

John Cleese

[Blown BA]

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up

at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and

very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks

off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs

over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and

ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you

persuade her to marry you?"

Bob says, "I lied about my age."

His friends respond, "What did you tell her, that you are

only 50?"

"No," he replied, "I told her I was 90."

[Blown BA]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

[Blown BA]

There was this Irishman, Frenchman and Newfoundlander about to make a trip to the moon. The trip was going to take about ten years so each person was asked if they wanted to take something along to last them ten years.

The Irishman said, well ten years is a long time so I want to take five women with me. The Frenchman said, well I want a ten year supply of beer. The Newfoundlander said, I want a ten year supply of cigarettes. Very well, they were then sent on their way.

After the ten years, they landed safely back on earth. The Irishman got off the shuttle with 15 kids, the Frenchman came staggering off the shuttle with a beer in his hand loaded drunk. Then, the Newfoundlander came off the shuttle as his hands were shaking and he was sweating all over with a cigarette in his hand asking "Does anybody have a match?"

[wicksy]

a dog and sheep had a yarn

[CJF077]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled... so I told her to fu*k off.

[Buf-Phoon]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He

awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic

hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was

going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in

a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in

the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do

you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a

spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced

loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient

replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Buf-Phoon]

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings

are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the

blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the

woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the

man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": The Engagement

Ring, The Wedding Ring, The Suffe-Ring, The Endu-Ring.

Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage,

the man speaks and the woman listens; In the second year, the woman speaks and the

man listens; In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order

what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had

ordered that.

[Buf-Phoon]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has

been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every

week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are

forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the

confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I

have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This

time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" A new woman in the

neighbourhood," the sinner replies. Very well," says the priest.

"Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest

is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits

down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny

emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her

legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy

and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?!" The altar boy replies,

"No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."