Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 13d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 10/03/05 05:35 AM Posted 10/03/05 05:35 AM A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot, stomped the spiders flat and said, "Well, that might be OK in California and Oregon but we're not having any of that sh*t in Texas!"
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 13d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 10/03/05 05:36 AM Posted 10/03/05 05:36 AM Q: What did George Washington and Thomas Jefferson have in common? A: They were the last two white people to have those names.
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 13d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 10/03/05 05:37 AM Posted 10/03/05 05:37 AM Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you please help me !!!??? Thanks, A TROUBLED USER ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear TROUBLED USER, This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of Luck, Tech Support
deek Legacy Donating Member 362 Member For: 23y 7m 16d Gender: Male Location: Melbourne / Wantirna Posted 10/03/05 11:29 AM Posted 10/03/05 11:29 AM The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Frankston. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Frankston area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment. John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for......At the crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 23y 10m 8d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 11/03/05 11:40 AM Posted 11/03/05 11:40 AM 581Abusing the wicked stickAccosting the Oscar MeyerAddressing MrPalmerAppropriate the meansArm aerobicsBackstroke RouletteBattling the purple-helmet warriorBash the bishopBash the CandleBeat OffBeat PeteBeat the BolognaBeat the BishopBeat the ButterBeat the DummyBeat the MeatBeat the StickBleed the WeedBlow Your LoadBeat your meat like it owes you moneyBequeath your genesBeta testing your hardwareBleed the lizardBleed the weedBloating the veinBlow your loadBludgeon the BeefsteakBob the hogBombing the German helmutBop the BaloneyBox the JesuitBoxin' the BozakBoxin the BallsackBreak one offBreak you off at the wristBringing MrWeasel back from the deadBuck the boneBuff the bananaBuff the mushroomBuff the woodBurp the baldmanBurp the wormBust a nutButter the cornCharge the rodCharm the serpent/snakeCheck the oilChipping woodChoke the ChickenChoke the Sheriff and Wait for the Posse to ComeChoke Charlie 'till he chundersChong your schlongChurning butterClean your pipesClean Your RifleClosing the dealClubbing the baby sealCocking some soupCome into your ownCommunicating with Red Leader OneConking the CardinalConverse with Harry PalmCorralling the tadpolesCrab teaseCrack off a batchCracking offCracking the batCrank the ShankCrown the KingCuff the CarrotCulture the American Blood SausageDate Palmala HandersonDate Rosy palm and her 5 sistersDiddleDiddling the dinkyDilly with the willyDinging the dongDiscipline your soldierDiscussing UgandaDisobey the PopeDoin' extra creditDoin' the Hand JiveDonkey SpankDownloading from your own websiteDra en handtrallaDrain Charle's DickensDrain the monsterDriving the skin busDrizzle the squidDry-firing your musketDunking the dolphinDusting the old trophyEducating PeterEmpty the cannonEncapsulate your probeErupting VesuviusEvacuating TatooineEvicting the testicular squattersExcercise your rightsExpress yourselfExtracting some crack spackleFacha la manuelaFeed the ducksFeed the fistFencing with the pork swordFidget with your digitFight the ChampFiring off a roundFiring the flesh musketFire the hand cannonFire the Surgeon GeneralFire the wobbly warheadFist f*ckFist kebabingFist of furyFist your misterFist Your MonsterFive Against OneFive knuckle shuffleFixing the HubbleFlail the whaleFlog the DogFlog the HogFlog Your DongFlute SoloFondle the FigGallop the AntelopeGive It a TugGrease the PipeHacerse la manuelaHacerse la pajaHack the HogHack offHand crankHand JobHand to gland combatHand WorkHave It OffHaving a whack attackHaving a staff meetingHelping the python shed its skinHerkin the GherkinHit on Rosy PalmHitchhike under the big topHittin' the woodHump the hornHump your hoseHuskin' cornHold the boldHold the mayoHotdog-a-ramaIgnite the LightsaberInfiltrate your crabsInnoculate the newbornIntroducing the Master of CeremoniesJackhammerJack OffJack the cornJack the sackJack the joystickJack your *beep*Jack your monkeyJack yourselfJack'n the beanstalkJam the joystickJalarle el pescuezo al gansoJazz YourselfJerk OffJerk the GherkinJerk the TurkJerk your ropeJerkin' the jerkyJerkin' the noodleJerkin' the wheelJiggling the diceJostling your ElderJuice your fruitJumping to Delight SpeedKill the PopeKnock on woodKnuckle shuffle on the old piss pumpLap-based web browsingrowsingLash the lengthLaunching the TadpolesLehavi BayadLightening the loadLighting the candleLightsaber practice with Captain SoloLittle pinky hit the slinkyLoading the cannonLocking your roommate out so you can call your parentsLope the muleLope the pork swordLube the cordMake one-eye cryMake the bald man pukeMake silly with the willyMaking a six-fistMaking duck butterMaking the Kessel RunMaking oyster soupMaking pancakes on your stomachMaking wall-paper pasteManipulate the mangoManistrupationMannin' the CannonManual overrideManually assisted wet dreamManually increasing the surface temperature of the ship's primary cannon by repeated linear manipulationManually targeting the Rebel BaseMassage the fireman's neckMassage the one-eyed monkMaximize your potencyMeet MrsPalmer and her five daughtersMeet your right-hand manMessin' with MobyMilk the lizardMilk the maggotMilk the memberMix up a batchMount a corporal and a fourMurder the BishopMustard on the burgerNerk Your ThrobberOil the gloveOnan's olympicsOnaneraOne-eye target practiceOne-hand jamOne-man showOne off the wristOscillating the Oscar MeyerPack Your PalmPackaging the ol' sausagePaddle the PicklePaint the PicklePaint the CeilingPassing mathPat the RobertsonPeeling the chilePerforming the Jedi Hand TrickPerm your poodlePetting the silk wormPetting the snakePetting the WookiePhone the czarPitch a knuckle ballPlay with your Willy wa*kerPlaying closet FrisbeePlaying NintendoPlaying the fiddlePlaying the flesh trombonePlaying the hairy banjoPlaying the man-flutePlaying the pink oboePlaying the skin flutePlaying a solo on your meat whistlePlaying soapy PeterPlaying with the pink Power RangerPlaying with your 6th fingerPlaying with your big AlienPlaying YahtzeePlease your pisserPluckin' your chickenPlunk your twangerPocket pinballPocket poolPocket the rocketPolish the bayonetPolish the bishopPolish the knobPolish the logPolish the OscarPolish the polePolish the rocketPolish the shooterPolish the swordPolish the ViperPolish Vader's HelmetPolish your antlersPolish your helmetPolish your hornPolishing Charlie BrownPolishing PercyPopping the zitPortuguese PumpPound offPound the boboPound the pelicanPound the puddingPound your flounderPound your pudPow-wow with the one-eyed RedskinPractice the Heimlich ManeuverPractice your Kung-Fu GripPrime the womb cannonPuff the one-eyed dragonPull offPull one outPull the ducks neckPull the rootPull the polePull the popePull your pudPull the puddingPull your *beep*Pull Your TaffyPulling a solo sessionPulling on PeterPulling the goaliePummel the love truncheonPump the monkeyPump the pythonPumping gas at the self-service islandPunching the clownPunchin' the Munchkin'Punching your puppetPunish the HarlequinPunish the penguinPutting the seminal luge team through their pacesRaise the flagRake your meatRam the hamRavage the innocentRead 'em his rightsReenact Old FaithfulReleasing the hostagesReleasing the Special EditionRewinding your tapeRide the great white knucklerRinging for the elevatorRolfing the pigletRob the knobRockin' the rhubarbRollig the diceRolling your quartersRope the goatRope the ponyRough up the suspectRub offRub one outRub the tubRub your headRuminating and ponderingRun a batchRunkaRunning Peter through two-a-daysRunning the whack-a-thonSailors' joySalute the sailorSanding the banisterSchplitzing your schmeckelScratching Yoda behind the earsSewing the seedShagShake the snakeShake the weaselShakin' hands with little ElvisShakin' hands with MrHappyShakin' hands with MrWinkieShakin' hands with the unemployedShakin' hands with Yule BrennerShakin' your fist at the ex-girlfriendShakin' your hands at the skyShakin' your own maracasShifting gearsShine the barrelShine your dolphinShine the hoseShine your poleShoe shineShoot your squirtShoot your wakShooting crapsShooting the bedroom gunShooting the sharkShooting Womprats in Beggar's CanyonShooting putty at the moonShuffle the deckSifting through the nest to find mama birdSingle dinglesSiphoning off the tankSlakin' the baconSlammin' the salmonSlam the hamSlam the hammerSlam the salomiSlam the spamSlap your headSlappin' PappySlappin' the Cap'nSlapping the clownSlapping the salomiSlaying the one-eyed monsterSlimmerSling some spoogeSling the jellySlog the logSmacking the sausageSnap the carrotSnap the MonkeySnap the radishSnap the RubberSnap the WhipSnuggle the nozzleSoldier's JoySoldier's toySolo spitSoviet U-boat Commander Jackoff RuboneoffSpackling the ceilingSpam WhamSpank the carrotSpank the frankSpank the hangdownSpank the monkeySpank the SalamiSpank the tankSpank the wankSpank your little boySpela fickpingisSpela skinntrombonSpinning the recordSpit one offSpit the seedsSpit-shining the bootsSplat the catSprayin' the spectatorsSpreading some super lifeSprinklin' the lawnSqueeze the cheeseSqueeze the lemonSqueezing the cream filling from the twinkieSqueezing the Creamy FilterSqueezing the squidSquirt one offSquirtin' BurtonStraddle your paddleStrangle MrJesusStrangle the dangleStroking itStroking StevenStroking the ScoobyStroking the schlongStroke offStroke the dogStroke the goatStroke your egoStroke your pokerStroke the purple-nosed gusset ferretStroke the trumpetStroke your pokerStroke your wookieStrokem your scr*tumStuck in left fieldSuffocate the organSurfing on the Milky HighwayTaffy pulling contestTaffy tuggerTajjaTake a beatingTake a load off your mindTake a ride on the mean spanking machineTake little Johnny dancing down at Knuckle JunctionTake matters into your own handsTake ol' stiff neck to the moviesTake yourself in handTaking a client up to the Yajima FactoryTaking handTame the bald headed mouseTame the monsterTame the shrewTeach your dog to spitTeach yourself a lessonTeach Yule Brenner some respectTease the weenieTenderize the meatTest-fire the Death StarTest the flashlightThe Five-Knuckle ShuffleThe tube of creamThump the PumpThropping your marrowThrow the ball aroundThrow outThump the pumpTickling your ElmoTickle your pickleTinkering with the R2 unitTrim your antlersTrim your hornTocar con mi pingaTorment the Trouser TroutTorquing the wrenchToss offTossing the ham javelinTrain the Love PorpoiseTrying to pull something offTug o' war with ol' CyclopsTugging the tapioca tubeTuning the forkTurn the knobTweak your twiddleTwirl the squirrelTwist your turnipTwistin' the PistonUmrojUnleash the furyUnloading passengers from the five-car trainUnsheathing the meatsaberUnsheathing the pork swordVaccinate the babyVarnish the flagpoleVirtual sexVisiting Rosy Palm and her five daughtersVomit the viperWack the weaselWalk the dogWalking old one-eyeWankWank the crankWanking one-eyed WillyWanking the one-eyed wonder wormWanking the scubeWarming up the altar boys' dinnerWashing the goose's neckWashing the hogWasting babiesWave the wandWax the beanWax the boardWax the BuickWax the candle stickWax the carrotWax the dolphinWax the musketWax the womb broomWax your surfboardWhack offWhack on your backWhack little MacWhack the pudWhack the yakWhack your Magic JohnsonWhack you willyWhip offWhip the dummyWhip the wireWhip your dripperWhippin' the muleWhippin' the ponyWhippin' the weaselWhipping DrippingWhipping your SkippyWhipping your WillyWhizzin' JizzumWhittling DixieWilly spittingWilly wankingWinding the WurlitzerWonk your conkerWork offWorkin' the JerkinWrestle the eelWrestle the bald-headed championWrestle with CyclopsWring out your ropeWringin' the towelWringin' out the tube steakYang your wangYank offYank the crankYank the plankYank the shankYank the yamYank the YodaYank your strapYank your wankYankee your WankeeYerk offYoinkin' offYuckin' your choadZoot Flute Riot
Buf-Phoon loitering with intent Legacy Donating Member 13,318 Member For: 23y 1m 3d Gender: Male Location: Zombie Birdhouse Posted 11/03/05 11:46 AM Posted 11/03/05 11:46 AM Dags , you are a better man than me I could only make it to T before me arms were droppin off :lol: :lol: Oh well , have to try and improve tommorrow
Dagabond Bored Member Administrator 35,722 Member For: 23y 10m 8d Gender: Male Location: Dé·jà vu Posted 11/03/05 11:50 AM Posted 11/03/05 11:50 AM Once upon a time there was a young boy who loved tractors. He had loads of tractor posters and memorabillia as well as a suscription to the Irish Farmer's Journal.Tragically, one day, the boy's father was run over by a tractor and killed. The boy hated tractors with a passion after that. He gave away all his tractor memerabillia, tore down the tractor posters from his walls and cancelled his subscription to the Irish Farmer's journal.Years later, the boy is sitting in a smoky bar. (this is pre smoking ban) He is talking to a woman who says 'Jaysus, it's awfully smoky in here' 'I'll sort that out for you' he says, breathes in all the smoke in one breath and blows it all out the window 'That's amazing', remarks the woman 'How did you do that?' 'Well,' replies the man 'I'm an ex-tractor-fan'
XR6_ED Legacy Donating Member 1,517 Member For: 23y 6m 8d Posted 11/03/05 12:13 PM Posted 11/03/05 12:13 PM It was crowded in heaven one day, so St.Peter could only let people who had a bad death in. The first man came in and said: I knew for sure that my wife was cheating on me, so, I came home early to catch her with a man, I checked everywhere, then I when onto my 25th floor apartment balcony and seen a man dangling from my balcony gripping the ledge. I thought he was the man that she was cheating on me with, so I went in and got my base ball bat and started hitting his hands. He fell, but to make sure he was dead, I threw my refridgerator onto him. He got crushed in the bushes and was dead. The strain of lifting the refridgerator gave me a heart attack and killed me. St.Peter said he killed the guy with passion and let him in. The next guy says: I was doing acrobats on my 26th floor balcony when I did a handstand. I fell off with my hands gripping the 25th floor balcony. 2 minutes later a crazy maniac came out and started hitting my hands with a base ball bat. I fell into a bush then he threw a refridgerator on me and killed me. So St.Peter let him in. The third guy said: Imagine me, naked in a refridgerator.
Blonk Iconoclast Legacy Donating Member 4,330 Member For: 21y 11m 26d Gender: Male Location: CH Posted 11/03/05 01:11 PM Posted 11/03/05 01:11 PM Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "was the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died?" "Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
Blown BA In Your Face Member 6,195 Member For: 23y 6m 13d Gender: Male Location: Peninsula Posted 12/03/05 06:46 AM Posted 12/03/05 06:46 AM A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?' 'No' was the reply. 'Shame, it's his birthday'
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