Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a

man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club, and

starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, recently rejected by long-time

fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman -- if such a thing still

exists in this cold, cruel world of hatchet-faced b**ches.

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Ginger-haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and sh*tty

after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,

maybe more.

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Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bas*ard, living in a damp cottage in the

arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a

lovely chest.

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Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and

dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering

cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks air-tight

alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 pm and 11:30 pm.

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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed

supermodel, who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.

[Blown BA]

1- Will The Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he "lacked intellectual leadership."

He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2- With A Little Help From Our Friends

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had

barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered

that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3- What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive

to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw

money from his own bank accounts.

4- The Getaway

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash

drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the

counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5- Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control

himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the

words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6- Are We Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two

minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No," the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

7- Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of

America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun,

but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8- The Grand Finale

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of

Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter

how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It

wouldn't plane out at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter

how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted

to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough

topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the

outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina

guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was

laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE... Under the boat, still strapped securely in

place, was the trailer!

[GlennAUII]

Adult Fairy Tales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!

Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other..."

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PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not.

You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."

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MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,” You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

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SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

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Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.

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One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said,

"Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"

"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan

[Dagabond]

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge,

burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the

neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,

"That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the

Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.

"That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.

A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank sitting at the bar.

He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him

out. The Aussie says to the bartender,

"When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

[Macktheknife]

Peanut sitting on a railroad track,

His heart was in a flutter.

Train came racing 'round the bend,

Toot toot......peanut butter.

[Blown BA]

What is a bachelor?

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything.

One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

_________________

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

[Blown BA]

HERE'S THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ! (Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

What color is a purple finch?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zealand

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU FAILED?!

[Blown BA]

20 THINGS NOT TO SAY OR ASK THE BOSS DURING A JOB INTERVIEW

Woa...So Wearing A Tie Like Yours Is Optional Right?

Can We Hurry This Up? Cause I'm Suposed To Meet My

Dealer At 2:00

The Last Time I Got Fired I Pissed In The Water Cooler

And Slashed The Bosses Tires

Would Coming Into Work One Or Two Hours Late Three Or

Four Times A week Be A Problem?

Hey...Can I Piss Out Your Window And See If I Can Hit

Anybody Walking By Down Below?

(referring to the framed picture of a lady on his

desk) So Who's The c*nt?

(referring to the framed picture of a teenaged girl

next to the other one on his desk) Hey!!! I Met Her

Once, She Aint Worth A f*ck But She Sure Can Suck Cock

So That No Smoking Sign Means Just Cigarettes Right?

Lunch From Noon 'Till 3:00 Is Cool Isn't It?

So Does Your Secretary Bang Everybody In The Office,

Or Just You?

I Sure Hope My Office Is Bigger Than This This One

What The f*ck Is The Internet?

Wanna Just Blow Off Work Friday And Go To That Tool

Concert With Me Thursday Night?

Would You Drop Off These Porn Tapes At The Video Store

For Me On Your Way Home?

That b**chy Old Hag That Lives Next Door To Me Is Your

Mom?

Will I Have A little Fridg Like That One, Or Can I

Just Keep My Beer In Yours?

We Don't Have To Come In If It's Raining...Right?

Taxes? Ya Know...It Would Just Be Easyer If You Paid

Me In Cash

I Was Thinking I Could Make All My Long Distance Calls

While I'm At Work And Save A sh*tload On My Phone Bill

Wanna Clear Some Of These Stupid Papers Off Your Desk

So We Can Do A Couple Lines Before I Go?

[Space Ace]

Man goes to see a magic act for the night. When he gets there and takes his seat, the MC comes on stage and advises everyone that the magician is running late, which displeases the audience. The MC then asks the audience “To fill in the time prior to the magician arriving, is there anyone out there that knows any magic tricks?” Our man puts his hand up and the MC invites him to the stage. Man gets up and introduces himself and scans the audience. “Before I begin my act, I will require a lovely assistant” says the man. A buxom blonde puts her hand up and is then invited up on the stage. “The first part of my act is to handcuff my assistant’s wrists to her ankles” says the man. “Now, for my second part of my act is to take off her skirt and underpants” says the man. The MC is now starting to get a bit nervous. “The third part of my act is to take my assistant from behind and pleasure her” says the man. The largely family orientated audience is now in disbelief and the MC has completely lost his temper and approaches the man. “What on earth do you call this?” he asks of our man. “Ooh, Maaaaggggicccc” responds our man.

[aniken]

"Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway.

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."