Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

To Feel Like A Woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[Blown BA]

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

[Dagabond]

THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad : You can't find your birth control pills

Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly : You're in them

Good : Your husband understands fashion

Bad : He's a cross-dresser

Ugly : He looks better than you

Good : Your son's finally maturing

Bad : He's involved with the woman next door

Ugly : So are you

Good : You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter

Bad : She keeps interrupting

Ugly : With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you

Bad: She wants a divorce

Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good : The postman's early

Bad : He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47

Ugly : You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good : Your daughter got a new job

Bad : As a hooker

Ugly : Your coworkers are her best clients

Way ugly : She makes more money than you do

Good : You're son is dating someone new

Bad : It's another man

Ugly : He's your best friend

Good : You're wife is pregnant

Bad : It's triplets

Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago

[Dagabond]

The Horse Race

"Welcome to the Sunnyvale Horseracing Track, I'm your announcer Richard Small. Before the race begins, lets have a look at the line up...

Lineup:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady

In lane 2. Bare Belly

In lane 3. Silk Panties

In lane 4. Conscience

In lane 5. Jockey Shorts

In lane 6. Clean Sheets

In lane 7. Thighs

In lane 8. Big Dick

In lane 9. Heavy Bosom

In lane 10. Merry Cherry

THEY'RE OFF!!!

Conscience is left behind at the gate.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:

It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.

Big Dick is making a final drive.

Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and

Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head...

Bare Belly shows...

Thighs weakens...

Heavy Bosom pulls up and Clean Sheets never had a chance."

[Blown BA]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You’ve got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don’t care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I’ll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How’d you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

"How’d you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Blown BA]

I'm not a woman, but I thought this was funny enough to pass on...

I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning, I received a call from his office that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30.

I had just packed everyone off to school and it was already around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, threw on some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only for a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was surprised when he said, "My...we've taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

Not sure how to respond, I chose not to say anything. The appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning, and the evening meal, etc.

At 20:30 that evening, my 14 year old daughter was preparing to go to a school dance when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom...where is my washcloth?"

I called back to her to get another one down from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was by the sink. It had all my gliter and sparkles in it."

[Blown BA]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Dagabond]

Joke Of The Day..

SEE HERE

[Dagabond]

Bart's Chalkboard Gags

Season 1

I will not waste chalk

I will not skateboard in the halls

I will not burp in class

I will not instigate revolution

I will not draw naked ladies in class

I did not see Elvis

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"

Garlic gum is not funny

They are laughing at me, not with me

I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom

Season 2

I will not encourage others to fly

I will not fake my way through life

Tar is not a plaything

I will not Xerox my butt

It's potato, not potatoe

I will not trade pants with others

I am not a 32 year old woman

I will not do that thing with my tongue

I will not drive the principal's car

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart

I will not sell school property

I will not cut corners

[Trumpy]

Joke Of The Day..

SEE HERE

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