Joke Of The Day

[EvilDaifu]

Well don't know who has been keeping up with 172 pages of jokes, but here's one I hope has not been seen before...

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, British scientists

found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the

conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one

thousand years ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American

scientists dug down to 200 metres and headlines in the US papers read:

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and

have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech

digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the British."

One week later, the Australian newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 500 metres, Australian scientists have

found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago,

their ancestors were already using wireless technology."

[ZAP]

Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to

take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour

slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one

hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by

a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his

manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in

private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the

taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from

your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first

date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting

to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two

years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some

will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,

it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after

the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests

have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in

your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of

place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a

cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the

occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's

loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar

doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's

impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[turbotom]

A friend of many years, told me this sad story after 14 years of marriage......

"Why we split up...."

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.

And I asked, "How come I had to give up stuff and not her!."

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I don't think she's coming back....

[turbotom]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

"All these unhappy babies... and yet our baby is so happy.

This just proves our love for one another."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now."

"But just watch what happens when we pull the pacifier out of his ass."

[turbotom]

This one's for our hillbilly members.....

Clyde walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says...

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend who is lying in bed replies:

" I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[iTec]

what does a good bar have in common with a good woman

liquer in the front and poker in the back

[chipa_12]

A farmer has 3 bulls, a big old bull , a medium size young bull and a baby small bull. The big bull has 10 of the cows on the farm for his 'entertainment'. The medium size bull has 5 cows and the baby one, being young and amateur only has 2 cows.

One day they overheard the farmer talking about bringing in a brand new bull.

This upset the bulls quite a bit and in anger the old bill bull anounced " WELL this new buy isnt going to have any of my cows". The medium size bull replied " WELL, I've worked hard for the cows that I have, this new bull isnt getting any of my cows.". The third baby bull , trying to keep up with them, said " Well he aint touching any of my cows. I am going to be the biggest bull here one day and he is not going to get any of mine"..

Then one day a couple of weeks later,a trucked pulled up at the gate of the paddock. The 3 bulls gathered around hoping to catch a glimpse of the new guy in town. Then the whole earth moved.. Out of the truck, the biggest, fattest, meanest , baddest looking bull come out.

The old big bull, trying to hide his fear exclaimed " ooh well I guess, he can have a couple of my cows, if he wants... " the middle size bull said " well he can , umm , he can have all my cows if he wants.. "... the they both look over at the small baby bull...

to their surprise the small baby bull , is gnarling and kicking dust around and spinning around in circles and bucking around.. and sniffing at the new massive bull.

the two other bulls tried to reason with him...

"forget about it" said the old bull, "it aint worth it". The medium size bull also tried " what are yo doing? you are still young, you can have lots of cows later on.. just give this bad a$$ mudda all your cows ... now..."

the little baby bull replied..

" I don't care about the cows... I am just making sure he knows that I am bull !! "

[Turbo6man]

Larry, an accountant, arrives home one day and tells his wife, "I got a new tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain, "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[Dagabond]

You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything

in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it

takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective

reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,

but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often

over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go

anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of

course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,

squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting

hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old

lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the

weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much

over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have

around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd

be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a

man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he

doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he

keeps trying!

[Dagabond]

Loyalty between women:

A wife doesn't come home one night and only shows up in the morning, saying she spent the night

at a friend's house. The husband picks up the phone and calls up 10 of her best friends, no one knows

a thing about it.

Loyalty between men:

A husband doesn't come home one night and only shows up in the morning, saying he spent the night

at a friend's house. The wife picks up the phone and calls up 10 of his best mates. 8 confirm the story and

2 claim he is still asleep on their sofa.