Joke Of The Day

[Rob (F6)]

SCOTS wha hae!!

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of

patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The

patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

O' weel ye'r worthy o' a grace

As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

Sae let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the

next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,

O what a panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna dash awa' sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,

"Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[Rob (F6)]

A gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me f*cked, who on earth's going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies "Well, you could try Paul McCartney"

[SHOCK]

Bloke is in the pisa next to a Jamacian bloke when he noticed a tattoo on the black guys old fella.

Noticing him peeking the says "what you lookn at mun"

I just noticed your tat on your old fella he said.

I have the same one..it says WY and says Wendy when I crack one.

I noticed your says WY as well, is your wife called Wendy?

No mun, the black fella says with a smile, mine says....

Welcome to Jamacia, hope you have a nice day.....

[aniken]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

[aniken]

A new young Monk arrives at the Monastery. He is assigned to help the other Monks in copying the old canons and laws of the Church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the Monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

The new Monk goes to the head Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head Abbot says, "We have been copying from copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the Monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

The young Monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R". We forgot the freakin "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and his is crying uncontrollably.

The young Monk asks the old Abbot, "Whats wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "THE BLOODY WORD IS CELEBRATE."

[aniken]

Letter:

Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO

Re: Mr Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares...... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.

6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look"

using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!"

15. December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[aniken]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

[turbotom]

Taxation Vexation

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles.What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question" noted the Rabbi." We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes" replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers."

"I see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste" answered the Rabbi.

"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr1ck."

[ZAP]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is

moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down

his window and asks, "What's going on?".

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Howard, Peter Costello, and Kim

Beazley. They're asking for a $300 million ransom. Otherwise

they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're

going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a litre."

[ZAP]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a

haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk

clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid

not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall

from your room is a vending machine that should serve your

purposes."

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted

$15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the

machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the

salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which

reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,

'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the

money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to

buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and

they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a

Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents. The salesman

looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly,

and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony

and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With

trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender

unit... which now had a button sewed on the end.