Joke Of The Day

[aniken]

No jokes for a month??

[tab]

You posted....that'll do

[aniken]

You posted....that'll do

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And now we have two.

[Dagabond]

Just to stop the whinging...bit ironic actualy...probably a repost as well....

True Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but

never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold

truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much

worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have.

8. Whe n you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Send this to your closest friends, then get depressed because you can

only think of 4. Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see

it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt

and call me over !!!!!

YEA BABY!!!

[tab]

Reminded me of this one...probably a repost as well

BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER

Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we?

Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullsh*t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour. f*ck 'em!!

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't f*cking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then f*ck off

[aniken]

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig.

The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the farmer he didn't believe that was the way to weigh cops.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig's tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out again. "Mom's weighing the mailman."

[aniken]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

Lord,

I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were."

You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

[Dagabond]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they

take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE

MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

[Macktheknife]

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they

take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE

MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

←

[tommyd]

Hope this one hasn't been posted before...

A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while the nurses were in her room

giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a

response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and

explained what happened, telling him, crazy as this sounds, maybe a little

oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband, an Australian bloke, was of course very sceptical, but they

assured him that this could work and that they'd close the curtains for

privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heartrate..

The nurses rushed into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I don't know, I guess she choked."