Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6man]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his

drink a young woman came and sat next to him. Looking him up and down she

asked, “ Are you a real cowboy?”

He replied, “ Well, I’ve spent my whole life working cows, breaking colts, riding

horses, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring

calves, shoe-ing horses, looking after my dogs and mustering cattle ... so I guess

I’m a real cowboy.”

She was silent a moment contemplating what he had said then replied, “I’m a

lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the

morning I think about women. While I’m in the shower I think about women.

While I’m having brekky I think about women. When I’m watching telly I think

about women. And this goes on all day ‘till I go to bed at night, and then I still

think about women.”

After this the two sat sipping their drinks in silence.

A short time passes and a man comes up to the bar and sits next to them. He

looks towards the cowboy and asks, “ Are you a real cowboy?”

The cowboy replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life thinking I was but I’ve just

found out that I’m a lesbian.”

[replicant]

What's red and yellow and looks great on hippies?

FIRE

[Kimberley Scott]

Is that your head, or did your neck throw up?

Scotty

[T007]

At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some

quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the

microphone

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front pierces the silence;

"Well, stop f*cking doing it then."

[PhantomFox6]

what do you call a an anorexic girl with thrush?

a quarter pounder with cheese!

[RHR]

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese team won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So the American management team hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the American rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 Steering Supervisors, 3 Area Steering Superintendents and 1 Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to India.

[ENVY-T]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a

stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

He can play any musical instrument in the world.

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot,etc.

So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that

the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The

octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it

up.

So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The

octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man

pays his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the

octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him

and says, "Play it? I'm going to *beep* it as soon as I figure out how

to get its pyjamas off.

[aniken]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Try and conversion - 7-all".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty - 10 points to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty - 10-all."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a Woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he craps in the bed.

The wife says, What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time,change sides"

[turbotom]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names..... a trade name and generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Dagabond]

What am I?

I AM

8

INCHES

LONG.

MY FUNCTIONING IS

ENJOYED

BY

MEMBERS

OF

BOTH

SEXES.

I AM

USUALLY FOUND HUNG,

DANGLING

LOOSLEY

READY FOR

INSTANT

ACTION.

I BOAST A CLUMP OF

LITTLE

HAIRY

THINGS

AT

ONE

END

AND

A SMALL

HOLE AT THE OTHER.

IN USE

I AM

INSERTED,

ALMOST

ALWAYS

WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,

SOMETIMES

QUICKLY,

INTO

A

WARM,

FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE

I AM

THRUST

IN

AND

DRAWN

OUT

AGAIN

AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN

SUCCESSION,

OFTEN

QUICKLY

AND

ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.

ANYONE

FOUND

LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY

RECOGNIZE

THE

RHYTHMIC,

PULSING

SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE

WELL

LUBRICATED

MOVEMENTS.

WHEN

FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES

BEHIND

A

JUICY,

FROTHY,

WHITE

STICKY

SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL

NEED

CLEANING FROM

THE

OUTER

SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND

SOME

FROM

MY

LONG

GLISTENING

SHAFT.

AFTER EVERYTHING IS

DONE

AND

THE

FLOWING

AND

CLEANSING

LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED

EMANATING,

I AM

RETURNED

TO

MY

FREELY

HANGING STATE OF REST,

READY

FOR YET

ANOTHER

BIT

OF

ACTION,

HOPEFULLY REACHING MY

BRISTLING

CLIMAX

TWICE

OR

THREE

TIMES A

DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.

WHAT AM I???????

AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY

GUESSED,

THE

ANSWER !

TO

THE

RIDDLE

IS

NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN..........

TOOTHBRUSH.........

What were you

Thinking?