Joke Of The Day

[tab]

Brilliant....can't imagine the do-gooders allowing anything like that on Aussie TV though

[Guest]

Just had this emailed to me,

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and the switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken".

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

that's when the cop reached for the old Yellow Pages me thinks.

[aniken]

Bono is at a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then, in the silence, he begins to slowly clap his hands.

He continues this slow, rhythmic clapping for a full minute. It’s the only sound in the auditorium.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.....

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front breaks the silence....

"Well, stop fcking doing it then.......!!!!! "

[RHR]

Just had this emailed to me,

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find  his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and  off  (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and the switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.  At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started  up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having  consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to  the Police station this breath-alyser equipment must be broken".

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

that's when the cop reached for the old Yellow Pages me thinks.

←

[stang]

that joke was going round years ago, I hate to dissapoint but I think it was a yank joke.

[phantomchic]

Commando

The Value of Undies

Be careful what you wear or don’t wear when working under your vehicle especially in public.

From the Sydney morning herald comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-mart only to have it break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car, on closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was wearing shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into public glaring ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who had been idly standing by. The mechanic however had to have three stitches in his head.

[stang]

A clip from the good old days,

I hope this doesn`t offend anyone,

http://video.google.com.au/videoplay?docid...449523071303114

feel free to remove if found upsetting.

[Dagabond]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the Children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took Little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[Guest newl]

If I've got a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket ball in the other, what have I got?

A bloody big cricket!

[Buf-Phoon]

New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSH I T.

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh Sh*it with Lies.

* 404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, I.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH.

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.