Joke Of The Day

[tab]

Virus warning - almost up there with the Billy Connolly chain email

If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank!

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink aLL your beer.! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send this warning to everyone!!!

[Guest newl]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beert1ts," he said.

[RHR]

Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for anything

But they bring a smile to your face

when you push them down a flight of stairs

[RHR]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked

ou at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps

your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,

you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and

growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector

unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit,

woman, can't you keep

your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it

off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back

pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns

to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always

talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"""""""""""I love this part.... """""""""""""""""

"Only when he's been drinking."

[phantomchic]

onya revhead

[HellionXR6T]

Oh that's golden, already got a huge response 'round the office...lol.

Makes me feel lucky I'm divorced...lol.

[tmac450]

Two bits of string walk into a bar.

One sits down in a booth, the other goes up to the bar to order.

"Two beers thanks mate"

The bartender looked up and said, "Get real, you're just a piece of string, I'm not giving you anything!"

The other bit of string heard this and thought he'd give it a go, but the bartender once again refused.

"That's it", said the first bit of string.

"I'll show him."

With that the ruffled himself up all over, flattenedhimself out and tied himself in a knot. He went up to the bar and angrily said, "Look mate, give me two beers now!"

The bartender looked the bit of string up and down and said,

"Fraid not."

[RHR]

Got this from a "Friend"

Dear Civilian,

Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid's parents, not the police.

If your kid won't do his homework or do his chores, 000 is not the answer.

If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy atMcDonalds ?

We know you've had more than two beers. When I've had two beers, I didn't hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.

When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the left, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the right.

When you're driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don't go 10 KM/H under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe a driver you can be, we're trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in the Corolla that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.

If we park our police car across the road with lights flashing, don't ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON'T DRIVE AROUND US!

If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a Highway Patrol Officer, go buy a lottery ticket, because you've already beaten the odds.

When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don't expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don't expect the officer to take the time to explain.

Here's how to get out of a ticket. Don't break the law.

If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you're getting pulled over.

In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic offences. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle registration. 3 out of 10 had disqualified licenses. 2 out of 10 had outstanding warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother's knowledge.

If you've just been pulled over doing 100 in a 60, do not greet the officer with, "What seems to be the problem, officer?"

We get coffee breaks too.

When you're the victim of a break and enter, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.

Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don't like them either.

If it's night time and you're driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it's not because of your skin colour. I usually can't tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.

Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone's son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.

Yes, it's true, cops usually don't give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn't give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.

If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it's loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 120 Km/h through city streets. Many times the guy has no idea it's there and slows down.

Police work is.... writing reports.

If you rob a petrol station you're only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.

In one year of patrol work in Sydney , only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show Cops.

Every traffic stop could end could in death or serious injury, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.

I've taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it's not always the man.

If the light was yellow, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops' salaries.

Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops' salaries so, hey, this traffic stop is on me.

Yes, we also know someone who's an uncle, brother, friend, etc in the police force.

Police Officers... our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it!

Thank You,

The Police

[RHR]

A blonde's Year in Review

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....

box said "2-4 years!"

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of

water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,

the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....

car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour

per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

[RHR]

Not really a joke but pretty good

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA

COUNTY SHERIFF ( ARIZONA ) AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

These are some of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the "tent city jail" to save Arizona from

spending tens of million of dollars on another expensive prison complex.

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for

them.

He banned smoking and porno magazines in the jails, and took away their

weightlifting equipment and cut off all but "G" movies. He says: "they're in

jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault

innocent people when they leave."

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city

projects and save taxpayer's money.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for

discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order

that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but

only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied: "so these morons will know

how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a

waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This

isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes

into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a

Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells

the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why

95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just

set a new record for June 2nd), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000

inmates living in a barbed- wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa

County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their

government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were chatting in the

tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. "This is hell. It feels like

we live in a furnace," said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2

years with 10 more to go. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches,

is not one bit sympathetic. "Criminals should be punished for their crimes -

not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit

more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy

things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves."

Wednesday he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the

tents: "It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living

in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full

battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut

your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less

crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces