Joke Of The Day

[ZAP]

Russell Crowe flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play rugby league

and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come to South Sydney.

He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the

pre-season.

Two weeks later Rabbits are down 10 nil to Easts with only 10 minutes

left.

The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in.

The kid is a sensation - scores 3 tries in 10 minutes and wins the game

for South Sydney!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the

media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about

his first day of Australian Rugby League.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we

were 10 nil down, but I scored 3 tries and we won.

Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day.

Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were

ambushed, raped and beaten, your brother has joined a gang of

looters, and it's all your fault.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'My fault, how is it my fault?'

'You're the reason we moved to Redfern in the first place!'

[Panda Eyes]

I was on the train the other day and saw a middle eastern looking guy with a suitcase lookinh around nervously. when the train stopped he quickly got up and left, forgetting his breifcase. I jumped up and ran after him, handing him his suitcase.

he thanked me for my kindness, turned to leave, then hesitated, turned back to me and said: "sir, you very kind. I want reward kindness with advice: make sure you, your family and loved ones are no where near redfern this afternoon". "wh...why?" I asked nervously.

he replied:"because it's a dump!!!"

[Turboboy]

Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to f * ck off.

[Chich]

love it...

[Chich]

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

[Chich]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the cops, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[TEDracing]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breas*s and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you

done wrong?

Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably

never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required

pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%..

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and

still think they are sexy.

[TEDracing]

A Good Poem

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

The End

[R-SPEC]

Mikey is at the pub with his mates havin a few brews. After a few hours of solid drinking he decides to get off the bar stool and go home. He only lives a few doors up so he tries to stand up and *WHACK* face first on the ground. 'Oh sh*t, im totally pissed, how am I gonna get home?' He decides to crawl out of the front door and tries again to stand up *SMACK* he clobbers himself on the footpath. 'Oh f*ck, im gonna have to crawl again!' So he crawls up to his front door and tries to get up again. *BANG* he thumps his head on the floor as he opens the door. He crawls to the couch and passes out.

The next morning his wife comes in and says 'Mikey, you silly bastard, your mates from the pub rang! You left your wheelchair behind!'

[Turboboy]

And that's when the fight started............

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot

as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200

in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Crown Lager for $38.50 from Woolies liquor.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....