Joke Of The Day

[harryh]

Little johnny is at school and today the teacher tells the class that the word of the day is CONTAGEOUS so she would like some examples of how you can use the word.

Two children put up their hand (one of them little johnny) and the teacher chooses little Suzie because she is worried what Johnny might say... "yes Suzie, please give your example"

"well, my brother has the measles and mummy said not to get too close because he is contageous"

"excellent work Suzie".

The teacher scans the room and nobody but Johnny has their hand up so she has to pick him.

"Ok johnny, plese give us your example"

"well I was in the car with mum dad and my sister and we were driving over the harbour bridge"

The teacher is releived as she cant see how this will be made into a rude story....

"and all of a sudden a big truck coming the other way gets a flat tyre and the truck swerves over the road, dad jumps on the breaks and the truck tips over in front of us and thousands of oranges fall out over the road and our car. Daddy was silent for a few seconds then said 'its going to take that contageous to pick up those oranges'"

[Banned1]

guy says to wife," feeling kinky, wanna come in your ear tonight ! " she said , "you'll make me deaf ffs !"

"doubt that he said, I've been coming in your mouth for years and you still wont shut the f*ck up ! "

[Banned1]

seen this pakistani lady on the train last night, thought she was dead but then spotted the red dot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby !

Edited 21/10/10 06:49 AM by rab

[Turbo6FG]

The Red Cross knocked on my door & asked me if I had anything to donate to the Pakistan flood victims.

I told them my garden hose only reached as far as the front driveway.

[Guest XR09]

Sometimes things just arn't as tasty as they look !

Edited 22/10/10 07:59 AM by XR09

[Turbo6FG]

Man charged over pen*s tattoo | Odd Spot | BigPond News

[Corzza]

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a very horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for 200 bucks your bird can go in the cage with mine.."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What the f#ck are you waiting for. "Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the 200 bucks.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird and closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet screams, "**** ****," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers, saying, "For 200 f#cking bucks, I want you naked, b!tch. Naked!"

[Corzza]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?

"My wife"

[EvilDaifu]

Okay, not really a joke but this should bring a smile to many a forum member on here

The original (pun not intended)

Now the spoof

And finally something I am sure we have all felt at some time on this forum

(mash up courtesy of mikecheesy1,forgotten539 and EvilDaifu )

Look at your post, now back to mine. Now back at your post, now back to mine. Sadly it isn't mine, but if you stopped wanking and started writing legitimate posts it could look like mine. Look down, back up, where are you? Your scrolling through posts, writing the post your post could look like. What did you post? Back at mine, it's really a reply saying something you want to hear. Look again, the reply is now diamonds. Anything is possible when you think before you post. I'm on a chair.

[Corzza]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.