Joke Of The Day

[hawlass]

Brick v drier- Funny sh!t-- Hauraki Player

[RegSpec]

A Chilean miner is making love to his wife for the first time since his release.....

he says...."do you mind if we turn the lights off'?

his wife says...."sure honey.....anything you want"...

He asks....."do you mind if I do you doggy style?"

"No problem" she says....."whatever you want baby"...

then he says....."Do you mind if I call you Joe?".....

[Guest XR09]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the

bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her

contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to

avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his

feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

[Corzza]

A man charges into a bank, wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face ?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

"Did anybody else see my face ?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse !!"

[Corzza]

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box

under our bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the

better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed,

saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never

looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too

much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you

deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an

empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it

again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I

guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does

happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of

years we've been together."

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that

money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took

them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."

[f-wolf]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Oregon State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

[Corzza]

A man charges into a bank, wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

He shouts, "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor !!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer and shouts, "Did anybody else here see my face ?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him also.

"Did anybody else see my face ?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse !!"

[Guest newl]

Thought it was good enough for a second posting eh Corzza?

[Corzza]

god dammit! Sorry! Wrong one

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have one last night on the town.

After a good few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager ‘Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and pissed I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.’

The manager does as he’s told and the two old guys go upstairs and take care of the night’s business.

While they were walking home one old guy says ‘You know Jacob, I think my girl was dead!’

‘Dead ?’ says Bert, ‘Why do you say that?’

‘Well she never moved or made a sound the whole time I was loving her.’

Jacob says ‘Could be worse! I think mine was a witch!”

‘A witch??..Why the hell would you think that?’

‘Well, while I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, I remembered my youth and gave her a little bite; then she farted and flew out the window........and took my fuc#*g teeth with her!’

[Guest XR09]