Joke Of The Day

[Guest XR09]

Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

But

I

'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.

"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!” he jots in his notebook. "

I

'm not a Broncos fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter starts again: "Maroons Supporter Risks Life In Heroic Rescue" "

I

'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.

"

I

assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons.

What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks. "We are both

from Melbourne and

I

'm a Collingwood fan

," the boy says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little

Redneck Cockroach Scum Sucking Bastard

Vandalises Fence And Kills Beloved Family Pet."

[Corzza]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention. Helen Clark says,

"We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer?"

Bruce Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"

After fufteen or 20 seconds Bruce says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting,

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of

you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast

media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected

sigh - everyone is disheartened.

Bruce starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their

hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than good,

eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"

Bruce closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet,

wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Corzza]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.....can you

believe that?..... 2:30am! Lucky for him I was still up playing my

bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept

thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an

erection...but she did

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. To hell with that"

says Mick” have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says

how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is

building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the

biggest p3nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my

leg"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume

she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my

girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the

foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking

behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get

reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I

would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not

listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the

worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[Corzza]

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . ....

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says

"Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and

blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the Hospital, Room # 233 ! ! ! !

[Corzza]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.

Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again!"

The husband replies, "For God's sake, woman, can't you see I'm trying to cut down."

[Corzza]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the house of ill repute over the road.The local Methodist vicar appears, and quickly goes inside."Will you look at that?" says

the first Irishman."And didn't I always say what a bunch of lying hypocrites they are?"No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi also goes inside."There's another bunch who try to fool everyone

with their pious preaching and funny little hats," says the second Irishman.They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their Catholic Priest knock on the door

and go inside."Oh, how sad!" says the third Irishman."One of the girls must have died!"

[Corzza]

Women Are Evil By Nature

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her

Hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her

Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth

And allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[Corzza]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.

Why are you wearing a Thank G0d It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?

Oh crap!' the blonde says.

I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.

I thought it meant Tits Go In Front

[Corzza]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and

was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their wives at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room,

"and Gentlemen, remember, You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught

[Corzza]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said,

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,

"If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it

and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out,

"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week

and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it

and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and

that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm a busy engineer.

I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog, now that's cool!"