Joke Of The Day

[Turbo6FG]

http://bigpondnews.com/articles/OddSpot/2011/02/26/Breast_milk_ice-cream_is_a_hit_in_London_582138.html

[Turbo6FG]

DON CHERRY Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car

battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will

save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet”

[Corzza]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…

CURTAIN RODS---PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?__._,_.__

[Corzza]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd not gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 km/h (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief ,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 130m/h

'So bust him,' says the Chief .

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief : ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief : 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief , 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[dre]

I like reading your jokes corzza but it's not funny when you post it a second time.

[Turbo6FG]

It just hit me!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to Him.

He visits the Dr. Once a year for his checkup, and again during the year If any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required Of him. He thinks it's his god given right !

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, Someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by Others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me in the head, like a ton of bricks...............

.......My dog is an Illegal Immigrant!!!!!

[Turbo6FG]

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Good Golly", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

[Turbo6FG]

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Ned...your neighbour from 40 miles away...having a party Friday...thought you might like to come...about 5."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Ned is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you....there's gonna be some drinkin'"

"Not a problem...after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Ned stops.

"More'n likely going to be some fightin', too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Ned turns from the door.

"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now, that's really not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Ned stops in the door again and says,

"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

[Turbo6FG]

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday. I walked into Bunning's Hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some old fart dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the fart out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

[Turbo6FG]

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

Thus, regular consumption of beer, wine etc., helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we cannot shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be. Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.