Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,

a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,

unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe

someone slept with you twice. Have a good day

and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Edited 24/05/11 09:01 PM by Corzza

[Corzza]

Interesting news out of the Pentagon........

After Osama's body was removed from his compound, the SEALs also removed a whole heap of classified information which has helped uncover some of the truth behind major events, including the 9/11 attacks.

According to information received from these documents, September 11 was actually caused by two irish builders installing doors on the 20th floor. When one of them asked the other to 'grab a plane and take a bit off the top', all hell broke loose.

[Corzza]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum" as I leave the store, "it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

[Corzza]

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job" said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Falcon" I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one" she said.

"My point exactly."

**********************

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

**********************

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

**********************

Glanced through a window today and thought I saw a sheep pole dancing.

On closer inspection it was a kebab shop!

[Corzza]

Johnny is a very wise and funny young boy and a good listener too.

One day his teacher gave a class test like this:

a) 7+5=

b) 19-8=

c) 8+8=

And Johnny wrote his answers:

a) 7+5= *****

b) 19-8= *****

c) 8+8= *****

After marking the test, the teacher quite amused called Johnny and said: 'Can you please explain to the class how you got

your answers'

Johnny stood up, smiled and said: 'That's very simple. In Bible school we've learnt that ***** is always the answer.'

Have a lovely day always remember Johnny's answers !!! .

Edited 26/05/11 09:24 PM by Corzza

[Corzza]

James Bond's wedding cake?

[Corzza]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

'Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one, how many would be left?'

'None,' replied Johnny, 'cause the rest would fly away'.

'Well, the answer is four,' said the teacher, 'but I like the way you are thinking'.

Little Johnny said, 'I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop..one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone...which one is married?'

'Well,' said the techer nervously, 'I guess the one sucking the cone?'

'No,' said little Johnny. 'The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking'.

[Corzza]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend homework was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold biscuits and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said,

"I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent)!"

Then I would say, "It is dog (I tried to swear because I'm unintelligent). Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the government's strategy of giving you something sh*tty for free and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

[Corzza]

Subject: Raise

Employee:: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this

prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to

talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just

now is not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic

down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into

consideration my hard work, pro- activeness

and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want

to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an

extra five days of

vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the

Mortgage Company!

[Corzza]

I'm at the gym the other day and I hear this from an older man,

not in the best physical condition, who asked the trainer:

"I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine should I

use?"

The trainer replied: "Use the ATM machine outside the gym."