Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the morning to yer, sir "says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are those?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fook me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks or everything".

[Corzza]

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

[Corzza]

English Credit Card

[sexual harrassment panda]

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take

his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time - just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday, however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what?

We didn't see a Single Tosser, Blind Bastard, f*ckwit, Dickhead, Asian *beep*, f*ckturd, Wanker or a Towel-Head anywhere today!

[Corzza]

NORVEGIAN DIET

Ole was turning 78 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,

and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 Kg."

When Ole returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 Kg!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Ole nodded... "I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop

dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor..

"Hell no, it wuz from all dat damn skippin!"

[Corzza]

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, "What's the matter

now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer," said little

Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I

know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like

that. Why didn't you just laugh?

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

[Corzza]

Garbage man looking around walks up to resident in Regent St, Redfern.

Garbo: "Hey, where's ya bin?"

Resident: "I bin on holiday."

Garbo: "No, where's ya wheelie bin?"

Resident: "Okay, I wealy bin in jail."

[Corzza]

At a local Winery cellar door, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable." "That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires

three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Corzza]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!

[Corzza]

REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.

2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.

...

3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.

4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.