Joke Of The Day

[Corzza]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around

the place.

He grabs some olives from the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced

limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the

billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,

swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just

did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

The bartender screams "He just ate the cue ball off my pool

table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything

in sight, the cheeky little beggar. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball

and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate,

and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino

cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it

out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he

asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled them

out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that

cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Corzza]

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the

Irish shoreline when Bob

Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had

No matches,he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'

Ralph replied with an Irish

Accent, and then reaching into his tackle

Box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob,taking

The huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph,

'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and

Sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie,Bob says,

'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master.

Will you grant me One wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a Million bucks.

The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving

Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly,the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of

A million ducks..... Flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks

Bob yells at Ralph,

'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks,

not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers,

'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie Is hard of hearing.

Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[Corzza]

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two VB thanks."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... the climate, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Pies, peas and VB, that's us, eh, Jim?

And we can't stand the Yanks; not civil and polite like us Aussies."

"So why keep going to The States?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Corzza]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a--hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a “s--t head”.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home !!!

[Howsee]

Hehehehehehe

[Corzza]

Dear friends:

"It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed..

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods... She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was

well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

"

BREAKING

NEWS>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder.. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club..

[Corzza]

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of

furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.

He visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would

sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit

a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he

noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked

him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and

drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.. They left the

bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic

music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a

four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[Corzza]

London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know is that many of the famous events, which go to make up

this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of

these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below:

OPENING CEREMONY

The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area

in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be

contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the

stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been

particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the

events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each

arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released

from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (I.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences,

walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use

(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most

physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5

minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first

target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will

aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages

deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a

choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will

take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager

while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The

bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take

an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away

from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian

rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and

arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is

found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,

please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will

comprise dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the

specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee

the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone

that appears to be... mincing

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the

Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock

throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be

extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch

invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium

itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and

remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler

[Corzza]

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a

living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her

mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said "My mom's a

hooker."

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office.

Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me a pocket full

of lollipops and asked for my phone number...

[Howsee]

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