Joke Of The Day

[sharkey]

1. Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

3. Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

4. You do the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

5. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

6. Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

7. I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

[KEN 24T]

... laughing like a drain

... what's a drain laugh like?

[KEN 24T]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic bloke that walked into a bra......

no .. then what happened?

[KEN 24T]

I was feeling a bit sus on Wednesday so I went to see my local Doc.

I said " Doc, I cant stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home.

He said " Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome"

I said " Is it common?"

He said "It's not unusual"

[Macktheknife]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic bloke that walked into a bra......

no .. then what happened?

Nut shore, butt I hop he gUt 2 thE pOiNt

[turbotom]

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.

While his father was gone buying popcorn, the boy piped up, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"

"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

"No, not that -- at the other end."

"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."

"No, Mom. Down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. While she was gone the boy repeated his questions.

"That's the elephant's trunk, son," dad replied.

"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end, down underneath the elephant's tail."

The father took a good look, "Oh. That's the elephant's pen*s."

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"

The man took a deep breath and replied,

"Son, I've spoiled that woman."

:lol:

[KEN 24T]

Did ya hear about the dyslexic bloke that walked into a bra......

no .. then what happened?

Nut shore, butt I hop he gUt 2 thE pOiNt

:lol:

[turbotom]

A guy walks into a bar with this pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table,grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron, "he eats everything in sight, the little bas*ard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes the drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has this monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"

[Blown BA]

Toilet paper selection

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper.

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?"

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says.

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."

"Why?" he asks.

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

[Blown BA]

Hell's not so bad

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: No kidding!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Hmmm, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: yeah! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh (grimaces), you're gonna hate Fridays.