Joke Of The Day

[wicksy]

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows

them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to

build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes

a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Falchoon]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Thought you might like to hear what happened to me yesterday:

I went to the store and was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a meter maid writing out a parking ticket. I went up to her and said, "Come on, lady, how about giving a guy a break?" She ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called her Frauline Nazi. She glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires.

So I called her a piece of horse sh*t. She finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. After I called her a self possessed cow she started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes -- the more I abused her, the more tickets she wrote. I didn't give a sh*t. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important when you're retired.

[KEN 24T]

Steggels, I think you've posted enough in this thread to officially be known, from this day forward, as:

The Joke of The Day.

[Blown BA]

This guy has a pain in his arm and is about to see a doctor, and a friend says, "You should try this machine down at the drugstore. All you do is give it a urine sample, and it will tell you exactly what's wrong with you." So the guy prepares a urine sample, goes down to the store, puts it in, and the machine spits out a piece of paper that says, "You have tennis elbow. Rest your arm for two weeks." The guy is thrilled and amazed, thinking this machine will revolutionize medical science. Then he starts thinking, this thing is so good, I wonder if I can trick it. So he goes home and makes a concoction with tap water, some of his dog's *beep*, and his wife's urine — and to top it off he masturbates into the mixture. Delighted, he goes down to the drugstore and puts in the sample. The machine churns around for a moment, and then it spits out a piece of paper that says, "First of all, your tap water is hard. Second, your dog has worms. Third, your wife is a cocaine addict. And fourth, you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow if you keep masturbating!"

[Blown BA]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms — so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny — I dreamed I was skiing!"

[Blown BA]

A guy starts his first day of work as the secretary of a sex clinic. The head doctor is showing him around the place, when they happen upon a man masturbating in the hall. "Whoa! What's going on there?" the guy asks. The doctor answers, "Oh, he has the disease hyper-spermatogenesis. If he doesn't ejaculate at least 7 times a day, his *beep* will swell up and explode." So they continue the tour, and they pass a room where a beautiful female nurse is pleasuring a man orally. "What's going on there?" asks the secretary. The doctor replies, "He has the same problem as the masturbator — but he's got better insurance."

[xrturb]

Date rape drug update.

Police today are warning all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay

cautious when offered drinks by women.

Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting

men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere.

"Beer" as it is commonly referred to, is used by female predators to

persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only

persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home

for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men

helpless. After several "beers," men will have sex with even

unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the

night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something

bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their

life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases,

females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude

through a punishment called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more

susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered. Forward this

warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have

fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who

administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major

city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an

open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

[Blown BA]

A kid is having a crafty wank behind his garage. His dad happens to walk nearby and hears him. His dad says, "Stop that, boy! It'll make you go blind!" The boy shouts back, "Dad! I'm over here!"

[Blown BA]

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her, "I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet." The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says, "Mom, the strangest thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The son says, "No, Mom — I was masturbating and shot the dog!"

[Blown BA]

A cowboy is out riding when he encounters an American Indian lying on the ground with his shirt open, buckskins down to his ankles, and a perfect erection pointing to the sky. The cowboy asks, "Hey, what are you doing?"

The man on the ground replies, "I'm finding out the time."

The cowboy says, "Huh? How does that work? I've never heard of such a thing."

The Indian says, "Oh, it's an old custom, but a white man could never get the hang of it. See, it's like a sundial. I can tell the time by how the shadow falls."

"I see," says the cowboy. "So what time is it?"

"About quarter to 11," says the Indian.

The cowboy thanks him and rides on. Some time later, he comes across another Native, again with his britches down and an erection. The cowboy asks the time.

"Almost 2:30," says the man on the ground.

"Thanks," says the cowboy, and moves on again. A couple of hours later, he comes across a third Indian, pants down with erection pointing skyward — only this guy is masturbating with great determination.

The cowboy says, "Hey, I met some of your buddies today, and they showed me how they tell the time — but what are YOU doing?"

He answers, "Winding the clock."