Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a

practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer."

And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."

[Blown BA]

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have

enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and

Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their

forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to

benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for

the entire $25,000.

[Cro]

16. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

I got my wife to try this tonight, it didn't work... :lol:

[Blown BA]

What Are You Drinking?

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink............

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----

The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

[Blown BA]

CIA Opening

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This damn gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the freaking chair."

Moral of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

[Blown BA]

No Speaka English

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[JB]

A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Kansas City International Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Kansas City. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Kansas City."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in KC?"

Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take

that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get

a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts

to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."

[JB]

Why a beer is better than a woman

You can enjoy a beer all month long

Beer stains wash out

You don't have to wine and dine a beer

Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football

When your beer goes flat, you toss it out

Beer never changes its mind

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer

Beer is never late

Hangovers go away

Beer labels come off without a fight

Beer never has a headache

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer

After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer

If you pour a beer right, you always get good head

You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty

A beer always goes down easy

You can share a beer with your friends

You always know when you are the first one to pop a beer

Beer is always wet

Beer doesn't demand quality

You can have a beer in public

A beer doesn't care when you come

A frigid beer is a good beer

You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good

If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony

[JB]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year

old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right

woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice

President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I

was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying

here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock

options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If

that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management

hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible

collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,

and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but

they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had

one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD

PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate

question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR

RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the

Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell

me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb

sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest

thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be

doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND

COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[JB]

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Techincal Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,

Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,

Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!