Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[Blown BA]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[Blown BA]

Three boys taking sex ed get thier grades. The first gets a D+. The second gets a D-. The third gets a F.

so the first one says "we should get her."

the second says "we should grab her."

the third say "Yeah and kick her in the nuts!"

[Blown BA]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City

restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated

there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all

velly velly hungry."

The waitress asks, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the

restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies,

"The menu say, First Come, First Served!"

Q. What's the definition of eternity?

A. The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

[Guest]

I actually laughed at the ghost one :spoton:

vik

[FPV 521]

Q:If a man and woman are sitting on two seperate chairs why does the woman appear to sit higher than the man?

A: Because she is sitting on a box.

[Blown BA]

A Norwegian is applying for a job. Here's your first question, the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

"Without numbers?", the Norwegian says. "Dat is easy.", and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?", the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine.", says the Norwegian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Norwegian stares into space some more, picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "`Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred. So when I start?"

[Blown BA]

Q: What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

A: Militia Etheridge

[DallasQLD]

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked,

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.

It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.

A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.

A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could

THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB

[Blown BA]

Betty, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder,

"I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed.

"He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Q. What's the definition of eternity?

A. The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.