Joke Of The Day

[surfsup]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past

and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The

monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few

joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to

get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the

river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him

to the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint

with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river

while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,

finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he

looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water

did you drink?!!"

[Guest]

Today's survival tip.

Next time you are too drunk to drive,

Walk to the nearest Pizza Hut,

Place an order, and when they go to deliver it,

Catch a ride home.....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dont laugh ,its been done,Dinos Dial a Pizza,started off this service in adelaide years ago,KFC did it for a while but it fell through,

My local pizza joint,used to bring me a 6 pack as well when I asked for one

When I was up in Alice,14 years ago now ,they had dail a slabb,

vik

[Blown BA]

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his pen*s with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his pen*s and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that is disgusting and rude — and if you do it again I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I am so sorry, but I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?" He answers, "Pepper."

[Blown BA]

Zack comes home from school one day and is met at the door by his grandmother, who asks what he learned in school today. He replied, "We learned about sex." His grandmother just stands there, almost in shock. Then later that day she tells his mother about their conversation, and the kid's mom says, "Mother, sex IS a regularly studied subject in school these days."

Later that evening, grandmother walks past Zack's room, sees him vigorously masturbating, and says to him, "After you finish your homework, come down for dinner."

A college professor was preparing his students for a big midterm. He said, "I've gone over all of the notes and answered everyone's questions — now for a final word. There will be no excuses accepted for not having the work done. No 'My dog ate it,' no 'I had to work,' no stories about a big party." One wise guy yelled out, "How about sexual exhaustion?" The professor said, "Nope — you'll just have to learn how to write with your other hand!"

[Blown BA]

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three naked, very dark-skinned men sitting on a park bench. The men on the ends of the bench had black cocks, but the man in the middle had a pink cocks. While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked."Well, yes," said the gentleman. "Why is it the man in the middle has a pink cock?"

"Oh," said the artist. "They're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

[andyturbo]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

to get to the bottom.

[Blown BA]

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27-year-old male, in a pumpkin patch. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the county courthouse. From the county courthouse jail, Davidson stated that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his "need." In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.Said officer Taylor, "I just went up and asked, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

[Blown BA]

A priest was arriving at his new parish in a small rural community. One of the members met him at the train with his horse and buggy to drive him to his new church. As they were going along the way, they passed a man in a pasture having intercourse with a cow. The priest was horrified; however, the man sitting next to him seemed completely unfazed and continued driving. Pretty soon they passed another pasture, where the priest witnessed a man having intercourse with a sheep. Again there was no reaction from the driver. A little further down the road, they came upon a man standing out in his pasture masturbating. The priest just couldn't take any more. "Stop right here, right now" the priest told the driver. The priest jumped out and went over to the man who was masturbating. "I don't get it," the priest said. "First we pass a man having sex with a cow, then we pass a man having sex with a sheep, and now we come upon you and you're masturbating. Can you tell me what is going on here?" "Well, Father," the man drawled, "Many of us out here are poor folk, so not everybody can afford an animal."

[Blown BA]

Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

[turbotom]

Been away for a while.... so apologies if it is a repost......

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for

weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping

for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar,

they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the

distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with

rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy

bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree! We're

saved!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and

runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But

as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound

of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to

the dying Pepe.

"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa, hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, "Ugh, run, amigo, run!

Ees not a Bacon Tree! Ees a... Ees a..."

"Yes, Pepe? Ees a what..?"

"Ees... a... ham bush."