Joke Of The Day

[Blown BA]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who

is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".

[Blown BA]

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape. "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breas*s. He looks at her parents,

but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[Blown BA]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.

"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...

"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat.

She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained.

"We did!", he says, "I just took a sh*t in your handbag!"

[Guest menace]

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious

health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do

it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But

desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there

stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!

"The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing

happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has

lost 10lb as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape

and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth

every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50

pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine!

[Blown BA]

The IRA have sent their best woman to kill Osama Bin Laden, unfortunately she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and poisoned the wrong

[Blown BA]

*** Young Bride ***

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the ."

[Blown BA]

*** Five Kinds of Sex ***

The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say " You".

The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand each other any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone

[God666]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it ? The first cowboy says,

"You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear : "Your sister likes this position too."

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds.

[Blown BA]

Golf - Genie In A Bottle

A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf

course, lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be careful when you drive the ball; don't knock out any windows. It'll cost a fortune to get them fixed."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses.

OK, lets go up and apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the ones that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie and have

been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes---I'll give you each one, and keep the last one for myself."

"Oh, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what is your wish?" the genie asked the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world." she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish?" the husband asked.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those homes, honey; I guess it's o.k."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After he'd finished he rolled over and asked, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35", she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

[Blown BA]

IQ Test

Read the questions carefully, they appear simple but when you go through the answers you will fail!

Try this one! You will be amazed at the number you get wrong!! There are 10 questions, so you should be able to answer them all in 10 minutes.

Don't look at the answers found at the end of this document, that would be cheating! Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference!

Intelligence Test

Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?

If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour, how long would it be before all the pills had been taken?

I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I get before being awaken by the alarm?

Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?

A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?

If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?

A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?

Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have?

How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?

If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at Pittsburgh to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia 20 hours later, what's the name of the driver?

Answers further down - no cheating now!GOOD LUCK!

Answers:

All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.

1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at 2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.

1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m. and p.m.

70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.

9 live sheep.

The match.

White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.

2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES,YOU TAKE 2,WHAT DO YOU HAVE?

None. It was Noah, not Moses.

YOU are the driver.

Grading Scale (out of 10)

8 Engineer

7 Student

6 High school pupil

5 Primary school pupil

4 Teacher

3 College lecturer

2 University lecturer

1 Member of Congress